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The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Love With Intelligence Podcast is the ultimate destination for high-achieving women who are ready to break free from toxic cycles, master emotional intelligence, and create secure, lasting relationships.
Hosted by Lily Walford, relationship coach and creator of the Love IQ Method, this podcast delivers bold insights, actionable tools, and transformative strategies to help listeners navigate modern love with confidence and clarity.
Through unapologetically honest conversations, myth-busting advice, and practical steps, each episode empowers women to reprogram their patterns and design the love life they deserve—because love isn’t about luck; it’s about the choices you make. Smarter love starts here.
www.lovewithintelligence.com
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
On the Path to Healing: Moving Past Narcissistic Relationships
As your guide through the labyrinth of narcissistic relationships, I am Lily Walford, an international relationship and dating coach. I’ve walked this path, from the murky depths of toxic relationships to the refreshing breath of authentic love, and my journey has equipped me with insights that I am eager to share with you. In this episode, we pull back the curtain on the intricate psychological mechanisms that narcissists employ, broadening our understanding of dangerous power dynamics that they use to entrap their victims.
We delve into the unsettling world of narcissistic manipulation, unmasking the distressing reality of trauma bonds. By drawing from my comprehensive research and personal experiences, we dissect the striking contrasts and disturbing similarities between healthy and unhealthy relationships. You will grasp the toll that a toxic relationship can inflict on the nervous system, precipitating complex PTSD and emotional damage. However, we don't dwell on the gloom - this episode also shines a light on the path to healing and moving on post-narcissistic relationships.
Finally, we navigate the riveting landscape of love after narcissism. Together, we stress the significance of setting healthy boundaries and fostering a supportive social environment. We craft a tailored dating strategy focused on cultivating a lasting relationship. By probing your past relationships and childhood experiences, we aim to understand how they influence your choice of partners. As we wrap up, you will feel enlightened about narcissistic relationships and empowered to foster healthier, happier relationships.
Website: www.LoveWithIntelligence.com
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Would it be crazy to enjoy more love in your life in under 60 minutes? Welcome to the Love with Intelligence Radio Show. I am your host, lily Wolford, an international relationship and dating coach, and I have supported thousands of people like you to enjoy real, honest and genuine love that lasts, using behavioral, psychology, body language, profiling and so much more. Join us now as we dive into the deepest topics about love, dating, heartbreaks and relationships.
Speaker 2:Hello. So today we're going to be talking about healing from narcissistic relationships, because if you've ever gone through a narcissistic relationship, it's just a journey. It's a journey in itself being able to process what's happened. And it's also a journey of being able to reintegrate into reality, because narcissists are so incredibly clever at creating a reality that they want you to see whether that's beliefs about yourself, whether that's what to believe about them, whether it's the life that they've created around you that they want you to be able to see. And sometimes it can take a little bit of a journey to be able to reintegrate to yourself again, reclaiming yourself, rebuilding your life, and then also dealing with things like forgiveness, closure, sometimes that feeling of lack of justice, because that can be super frustrating and it can be a lot to be able to let go of so you can move forward and enjoy your life. So for those of you that we haven't met before, my name is Lily. I'm a love and intimacy mentor for those who've gone through narcissistic and toxic relationships and I support those people to go on to heal and move on to loving and healthy relationships that last. My own personal journey one of the main reasons why I created love with intelligence is because I'd gone through so many toxic relationships and I was sick and tired of going through those types of relationships, feeling defeated, feeling tired, just wanting just to experience just real love. I wanted to be able to love someone fully and completely, without the fear of losing myself or giving it to the wrong person, or being taken advantage of or used or anything like that. And let me tell you, it's been quite. It's been quite the journey to be able to be where I am now and it's also been, you know, the driving force behind all the research, everything that I've done that's actually supported my clients to, you know, escape toxic relationships and move on to healthy ones too. You know I've got so many clients who've now, you know, got married, had babies, got engaged, move into with their partners, you know, and ended up in long lasting relationships based on the back of, you know, the research that I've created and discovered and experienced.
Speaker 2:So let's dive into the narcissistic relationship, you know. Let's dive into what does the narcissistic relationship look like? Because you know narcissists in the dating and relationship world is such a buzzword. And let me tell you and I'm talking about narcissists, I'm talking about the real deal, you know I'm talking about the ones where it's been scientifically proven that the empathy part of the brain is underdeveloped. Okay, we're talking about the real ones, not the ones that just have the little traits here and there, because everyone has those certain traits. But I'm talking about the darker, the real darker side of these personalities, the real deal.
Speaker 2:So when we're talking about narcissists and you know we can even sort of talk and touch upon sociopaths and psychopaths, because they're very, very closely woven together you know, when we have a look at narcissism, sociopaths and psychopaths, we need to understand that it's a sliding scale as well. We need to understand that. You know the traits are going to look very, very different in different people. You know there's going to be stronger elements of those traits and those symptoms in those people. So let me talk about the goals of a narcissist. We'll begin that One main goal is to be able to control. They love to be able to control the narrative, to control the reality, to be able to, you know, control what people see and believe, especially about them.
Speaker 2:They don't want people to necessarily know that they're a narcissist or they're different in that way, but they do want to be seen as special, as superior and as someone who is, you know, whether a leader in a certain area or very highly intelligent in a certain area. They want to be able to be seen as someone better than someone you know, than everybody else. They want us to be seen as above average. So this is one of the things that's quite interesting about narcissists have you ever seen the way they treat people who see through them? They either really distance themselves from that person or they attack that person. You know, emotionally, psychologically, you know whether it's poisoning the social circle, you know, against that person. They're very, very good at controlling the narratives. So that's one of the main things that they tend to do when we have a look at a narcissist in a relationship. They love to be able to control that partner. They love to be able to control what they see, what they believe. And it's almost a little bit cat and mousey, you know, when you see a cat killing its prey, it's very much. You know it's not a very quick process. It's this slow, drawn out process. You know which is exactly what a narcissist tends to do. So when we think about what a narcissist does to prepare their victims to be, you know, okay, with going through that experience, there's a lot of love bombing, a lot of psychological techniques that they do to be able to bring their partners into that. So there'll be things like, oh sorry, but she knows they've got things like, you know, love bombing. They, you know, create this fairy tale experience of when you first meet them, like you've always, you know, you've always known each other and there's this deep connection. And what they tend to do is they'll tend to try and morph into what you want them to be. So if you said, oh, okay, I want a partner who's this, they will make a big emphasis on oh, I am this. So they'll try to morph themselves into what they believe you want. Okay, and that might be, you know, when you've shared your future goals, that they want exactly the same thing. It might be the certain traits that you really desire in a person and they share, oh, yes, well, I'm this way because of XYZ. Or they show stories to show that they're that, that, that type of person. So they'll create that reality from the very, very beginning. So you'll you believe you are getting the real deal, you'll find you found someone that's exactly who you want and who you desire.
Speaker 2:So then what tends to happen is when they, when they actually have created that reality, they will then chip away. Okay, they'll start chipping away, usually at that person's identity to begin with. Okay, so they will, they'll try and bend the way that person acts or the way the person has some certain beliefs or values. They'll start attacking the identity. So it might be name calling, it might be saying well, I think it's really stupid that you think that way. You know how is an intelligent person like you can do XYZ, you know? It'll be things like that where they can start to shift and morph your behaviors. Because when you, when you believe that you have found someone who's exactly what you want well, you know, unfortunately we're talking about just people in general here people will try and protect that relationship because they believe it, that relationships exactly what they wanted, exactly what they needed, and they'll try and morph to be able to be the partner that can experience that relationship. So you might have found yourself changing your behaviors, shifting some of your beliefs, shifting some of your values, doing things that probably weren't aligned with your personality, because you were wanting to keep that relationship. You thought that relationship was something that was right, something that was healthy, so, of course, you're going to do everything that you could do to protect it.
Speaker 2:The other thing that narcissists tend to do as well is they tend to create this gap. Okay, so they'll create a gap where they're superior to you. So, again, you know what tends to happen there is, when they create that level of superiority, they will actually cause you to question your own judgment and only trust theirs. So this can be something as simple as asking their opinion on something. It might be asking things like what they you know, their belief systems and things at that of what should happen after an argument. It might be.
Speaker 2:This is just so many different examples there might you know, when we have a look at these types of these types of things, what they tend to do is they'll tend to put you down. Sorry, no, no, no. Just think of a really good example here. Let's say, for example, they say that they are really, really good at something. Okay, so they really big themselves in that area and you believe that you're quite confident in that area too, but what they'll do is they'll start to chip away at your belief system that you are very good in that particular area. It might be something like cooking, it might be something to do with work, it might be due to do something with fashion or something like that, but what they'll do is they'll create that distance where they're the authority in that area and you're lower down. So what will happen is when they start questioning you and your belief systems or your knowledge or your expertise, you will start to doubt and question yourself. So what you'll do is you'll actually start asking the narcissist for their opinion, for what they believe. So that creates again that level of authority in that gap.
Speaker 2:Okay, and this can be like I said, it can be anything. You know whether it's work, whether it's just you know belief systems in general politics. It can be absolutely anything, it might be everything, but they'll tend to pick something where they'll create that authority or create that gap. The other thing that they'll do as well is they'll also, from going through the first stages of creating that feeling of where you're a priority in that relationship, they will start to let you know that you are not a priority. I know that. That example of Brad and Shona in their married at first sight. You know where Brad's going. You know Nothing comes above the universe, not even you. You know it's creating that gap and that's exactly what Narciss will do. Whether they prioritize work, whether they prioritize, you know, just other elements of their life, they will show you that you are not a priority. So again, they'll create that gap.
Speaker 2:And the other thing that tends to happen in narcissistic Relationships is there will be these highs and lows, and what this tends to do is it creates an addiction. So you'll have the high. You're getting complimented, love, bombed releases or serotonin. That don't mean it's like even more addictive than a class, a drug. So that's how addictive all those compliments and all those amazing things are. And Then they will take it away and I'll say you're not a priority or you're bad, or how can you think that way? And Things will just go like this. So what this hat, what happens, is it puts stress on your nervous system. So, and when this happens, it actually creates fifth trauma bond because you are in fix it mode, you're in firefighting mode.
Speaker 2:We, like I, can't need to get back to that dopamine and that's serotonin, and you'll, you know You'll experience the low again, you'll do everything to bring that relationship back up. So what tends to happen as well is they will also make sure that they're the only supply, they're the only supplier of the serotonin, dopamine. So they'll push away your family members, your friends, whether they'll they'll say that they don't like them, or anything like that, so they become your only supply of that serotonin and dopamine. I'll even sort of push you away from the hobbies and things that you really enjoy, so they might have, you know, created a problem of whenever you go out, there's an issue and you decide not to go out as much and you start moving away from things that you really, really enjoy because, again, if they are there, if they are your only supplier, feeling good, well then they've got more control over you and the relationship, so that we're sort of which is basically describing what a trauma bond is, and the reason why I wanted to dive into this is because you can start to understand the psychological implications of what can happen to your brain when that person's no longer in your life.
Speaker 2:You've suddenly lost your serotonin and your dopamine hits. You've then got to process the relationship and all the different things that have an equal Process the shift in your identity throughout that relationship. You've also got to process what you actually believe a healthy relationship is, because you would have believed that that relationship was healthy but you realize actually it was anything but healthy. So you've got all these different things to be able to process when you've come out that relationship and that's even before you think about Reclaiming your life, building yourself back up, deciding what you want, what makes you happy because all of those different things have been taken away and that takes time to rebuild. You know, this is one of the reasons why I work with people who've gone through these types of relationships for a year Because it takes that time To rewire, reprogram, rebuild yourself back up to be able to get yourself where you want to be. You know this is one of the things I love about the journeys of my clients is that they go from this horrible place To being in the strongest, most empowered, confident version of themselves in a life that they actually Love. You know, whether that's with a partner, without a partner, that's entirely up to them, but they are in an empowered choice. You know they can make that empowered choice.
Speaker 2:So let's talk a little bit about, you know, the trauma bonds. Okay, the trauma bonds tend to create this fear of abandonment. I mean, I remember going through this. I know my love, my clients go through this thing. It's that fear of if you lose them, you will lose everything. Okay, that is a sign of a trauma bond. It creates that Addiction. It creates that Absolute fear of you know, if you can't have that relationship with them, you'll never be happy or you'll never be in a relationship. I mean, personally, I remember it being a narcissistic relationship where I was told if I wasn't to make it with that person, that I would only be repeating the patterns again, again, again. So they, so I need to fix that with him. You know they'll create that, that fear driven Response to stay with them because otherwise you know you're gonna experience something absolutely terrible.
Speaker 2:The other thing they tend to do is they tend to get you to put trip but and betray yourself. They get you to portray your own needs. So what tends to happen is they will explain to you why they need something or why they need Things to be a certain way and how that works for them. But it might be something where you are experiencing the deficit because of that. So again, they're showing that they're the authority, they're the priority, they need what they need, but you're not allowed to date what you need and if you're gonna stay with them, you're not allowed what you need.
Speaker 2:So I remember, for me personally, this was affection. You know, they explained to me that they Couldn't give me the affection that I wanted or needed because they were healing or they were going through something or whatever it might be. And you know, what I didn't realize in that relationship was I was being emotionally starved and I was going well Selfish of me to, you know, to get what I need in this relationship because they're unable to give it to me. So you can see the psychological pattern and the how strong the reasoning is and can it see when you're in that reality. So they will do things like that. That will cause you to, you know, subconsciously think that you are not a priority or you're not allowed to put your needs first or you're selfish for doing that. So you end up betraying yourself, portraying what your needs in order to serve them. I say serve them because narcissists do tend to see people as resources.
Speaker 2:They don't see people as people. They see people as play things or things to use, or you know, just, yeah, just resources. I think that's one of the best words I can think of, because often Narcissist can be very parasitic. They can often find people who have money. They want people to be able to live off. They want people to be able to you know I've fame surf off. You know they want they always. They always surround themselves with people that they need something from.
Speaker 2:Okay, the other thing as well is with a trauma bond there's, you know there's basically seven stages to it. Okay, there's seven stages to a trauma bond. Okay, there's seven stages to a trauma bond. You have love bombing. Okay, you know, you have all that. You know compliments, how you know they've never met anyone like you, and all these different things. You know they build up that trust with you. They build up, you know they try and create that persona of they're exactly what you want them to be.
Speaker 2:Then you go through the D criticism, the devaluation of how ridiculous you are or how terrible you are, and all those different things. Then you have gaslighting. They will get you to question your reality. I mean, I remember for me I actually used to ask what was said in an argument, you know, even though I was present for that argument, because I would get so flooded here with them, the fight or flight, that I wouldn't be able to remember, and I have. I used to have to trust them to repeat back what I said in an argument, and that was where a lot of the gaslighting used to happen.
Speaker 2:Okay, you also then have stage five resignation and submission. So this is where you end up going oh, I'm not going to bring that up because they'll only cause an argument, or I can't say this and I can't ask for affection because they can't. You know, they're not in a place where. So you find yourself resigning yourself, resigning your needs and submitting to, you know the, the rules and structures of that relationship. Even though they're not spoken, they are there. Then you go through the loss of self. This is when you start binging yourself to be able to fit into their reality. And then you have the emotional addiction, because they create this level of scarcity of if you're unable to experience that love and that healthy relationship with them, you know you're not going to be able to experience that with anyone else. So they'll create all these different things to you know, create control, okay, because that's what they want. When you've got scarcity and you have got fear. You know you've got a lot of control over that person.
Speaker 2:So let's actually have a look at, you know, the difference between a healthy relationship and something that's you know, gone through the trauma bonds, and something that's not healthy. You know, a healthy relationship, you know someone actually, a healthy relationship is where you're allowed to be you, you're allowed to be the truth of who you are and you are able to be loved for that and appreciated that. For you know, for that there's a high level of emotional intelligence, there's a good understanding of how you feel and how your partner feels. There's, you know, a level of care, there, a level of empathy, and there's there's a desire to make sure that person feels comfortable. And I think this is it, you know, when we talk about empathy. Empathy is that ability to be able to feel what someone's going through and to be able to emotionally understand them. But it's also the desire to allow them to feel comfortable, allow them to feel good, to care, nurture them through whatever experience that they are going through. And that's what a healthy relationship brings.
Speaker 2:And I also believe, you know, when we have a look at a healthy and unhealthy relationship, it has a huge impact on our nervous system. So a healthy relationship soothes our nervous system, so we feel relaxed, we feel safe. You know when I think about, you know, loving relationship. It's that lovely, lovely place where you just feel at home, when you're in their arms. It's just that safety, that care, that you know, that love, knowing that you are understood, that you're seen, that you're valued, that your opinions and your voice, you know everything that you share is validated. That's the difference between a healthy relationship and unhealthy relationship.
Speaker 2:You're not allowed to be yourself. You know if you're not yourself or don't adhere to what the narcissist needs, you are punished. You know you feel yourself treading on egg charts. You don't know what mood they're going to be in. Your fight or flight system is just through the freaking roof, and there's a reason why as well. When you have your fight or flight system activated, you know your body's actually releasing cortisol and if that goes on for a long enough period, your brain will actually shut down cognitive functions, which also makes you more malleable. Okay, how scary is that? So you know, being able to be in those high stress relationships will actually cause you to be more malleable, because your brain is actually shutting down, because it's trying to provide the important parts of the brain with the information that it needs to. So you're basically sort of resort back to going to very basic functions for survival. So that's what your brain does when it's in fight or flight mode.
Speaker 2:This is how you know damaging and physically damaging these relationships actually can be. And this is where you start, you know stepping into complex PTSD or just PTSD or high, you know trauma that needs to be healed. I mean, one of the main things about complex PTSD is it's about your ability to trust and feel. You know, feel able to trust people in relationships. When you have complex PTSD, there's a fear, there's a trauma there that doesn't allow you to be close to people or creates triggers and different responses when you are close to people. So now we've kind of covered a lot of information around. You know narcissism and the impacts and the effects that it can have.
Speaker 2:I want to talk a little bit about the healing journey and again this is something that I take people through. You know, a year long program to be able to go through the different things that need to be healed, because the thing is the healing comes out in different stages. You know when we have a look at when you come out of a narcissistic relationship or a toxic relationship. There's the aftermath of dealing with the breakup. Then there's the next stage of healing, when you have a look at dating, because that will bring up even more stuff. Then there's a stage of when you go into a new relationship, because again, that will bring up more stuff. And again, this is why I create it. So it's a year long, so you can actually experience the healing needed through the different stages to be able to get yourself back.
Speaker 2:Okay, so the first stage of healing this is probably one of the most underrated but probably the most important parts of the healing journey, and it's realizing your emotions and your needs matter, but regardless of anyone's opinion okay, they matter. One of the things that narcissists are very good at doing and this is something you almost have to, you have to relearn when you come out of a narcissistic relationship is you have to have a look at the way that you feel and feel comfortable with the way you feel, without needing to change it, because what narcissists will do is they'll go. Well, you shouldn't feel that way. You know you don't understand how I feel and they'll flip it. They'll get you guilty or feeling bad about the way that you feel about something. The truth is, your body and your mind is creating that emotion for a reason. Okay, every emotion you have is completely valid and it's a message to your body.
Speaker 2:Okay, if you're angry, okay, I want you to think about anger. Anger is a protective emotion. Anger is an emotion where it says my boundaries have been crossed or there's something that I'm really not happy with. So even that emotion is sharing so much information to you and it's giving you also the energy to change it. Okay, even if you don't know how it's giving you that energy to change it. Do you think about sadness? Sadness is there for a reason, because it's going. There's something that you're missing, there's something that's a loss, there's something that this cause me to feel unhappy, to feel unhappy. There's a mismatch in your expectations and the reality that you're experiencing. You know sadness is there to communicate that to you. So it doesn't matter what emotion you are experiencing. It's right, it's correct, okay, and I want to really, really hone that in. So when you, when you, come out of an autistic relationship, it's really important to be able to validate and feel, feel, whatever emotions come up.
Speaker 2:The next thing, I think is really, really important is also being able. That's the two that I really want to go into. So first one is being able to be patient with yourself. It's realizing you are not going to heal overnight like that Okay. It's being able to go back to how you feel and what you need Okay. And that can be really really difficult, especially for people who are, you know, I'd say, just grafters, high performers with perfectionism, you know, those kind of people who just need to get stuff done, who are always active, always on the go, high achievers. You know that can be really really difficult, because when you go through the healing journey, sometimes some of it is just being able to sit still and stop, and it's being able to understand what your body needs versus pushing against that. So, if you're needing to sit down and stop, give yourself that space to be able to sit down and stop. If you're needing to cry, take that time to cry. If you're needing to shut yourself away from everyone, go ahead and shut yourself away from everyone. Do what you need to do, okay. Super, super, super, super, super important. I'd say. Then number three forgive yourself. And this is the thing like. This is one thing that really frustrates me about this industry Like you know, just dating relationships or the industry that talks about narcissism.
Speaker 2:There's so much blame or shit out there about, you know, narcissistic relationships. They love to be able to blame the people who've gone through them. The thing is, you've never been trained to deal with those personality types. Okay, you've never been trained. You probably didn't know about those personality types until you went through that kind of relationship. The other thing is those relationships they're like I always describe them as boiling frog relationships, because if you'd have jumped straight into that relationship, whether it was like the height of it, the heightened elements of that, the toxicness, whether it's, like you know, verbally abusive or really just not a nice relationship, you would have gone out straight away. What narcissists do, or toxic relationship you know how toxic relationships begin is. You know you jump in the pot, it's nice and warm, it's comfortable, it's just lovely, and then they slowly amput the temperature until it's too late to get out. Okay, that's what they tend to do in those types of relationships.
Speaker 2:This is one of the reasons why I love to be able to teach people how these relationships work, because it helps you to be able to go ah, okay, I can totally see why I got stuck and how other people have got stuck in those relationships and those patterns. I can see now how my behaviour is deviated because of the strategies that they've used and doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or it doesn't mean that I'm weak, or it doesn't mean this. And it's really important to be able to have that understanding about how those relationships work. Okay, so then you can actually understand that it's okay to forgive yourself. And the other thing is, with the side of forgiveness, it's not bad.
Speaker 2:I don't believe it's anything to do about forgiving the narcissist or anything like that. I think there's a good level of accepting who they are. That can be a bit of an interesting part of the journey, but I'd say the important part is forgiving yourself, making sure that you're not holding onto that anger towards yourself or that upset towards yourself. It's kind of getting to that place of accepting you've gone through that. Yeah, it was really really crap. Now it's taken that accountability of how are you going to move forward and how are you going to change that.
Speaker 2:One of the worst things that I tend to see is when people come out of those relationships they blame themselves and then they stop themselves from experiencing love. They stop themselves from going out and dating. They stop themselves from being able to go out and just enjoy their life. Instead, they stay under the power and the dominance of what had happened and they stay within the past and they stop themselves from enjoying life. You know, they almost go through like a psychological or emotional death. It's like they don't enjoy life after that.
Speaker 2:I think that's one of the worst things that you can do, like I really really do because at the end of the day, yes, okay, you've had someone who's taken a part of your life. You know, you've had someone who's tricked you. You've had someone who's gone through and deceived you. Next part is how do you grow from that? How do you build yourself up so you'll never experience that again and that you get back on track of enjoying the best life possible for you? Because, at the end of the day, you deserve that. And this is like coming back to the next part of healing it's realizing that you matter and you need to start prioritizing yourself, because you've been taught and you've been programmed not to prioritize yourself.
Speaker 2:Now is the time. Now is the time to think about what do you want? What do you need. How can you build yourself up? And again, this is stuff that I take my clients through. We build them up. We build them back to the best version that they could possibly be, and any time that I see them stepping away and trying away from what they really want and who they really are, I call them out. We build them back up because this is important when you're the best version of you, you get to experience your best life. You get to experience the best relationship. You get to excel in your career. You get to be able to enjoy yourself. You get to be able to feel happy and know what makes you happy. You get to be able to move towards a life and a future that you feel confident in and feel excited about. That's what I want for you.
Speaker 2:But the first step for that is being able to prioritize you and making that conscious choice Like if you're watching this, now say it. Say the words. I prioritized myself. I prioritized me. Say it Because this is like one of the most healing steps that you can take. Honestly, I really can't share that enough. It's one of the best things that you can do, one of the best and most powerful steps that you can take Next. This is an interesting one because this is about being able to understand what makes you happy. This can be a little bit of a journey.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, when you have a look at what makes you happy, you can feel a little bit like I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I was before the narcissistic relationship. You can kind of go through that thing where it's like everything doesn't feel, everything feels a bit numb. It's like you know this is something that used to fulfill you but it's just not quite giving you that the same buzz that you used to. What I would say with that is go back to those things anyway. Go back. You know if you were doing certain things before the relationship that made you happy, go back and just experience them. Just take time to notice the things that you enjoy about it and things that you don't. Be patient with yourself because don't expect yourself to feel really happy and elated straight away. Sometimes it's a little bit of a muscle after a narcissistic relationship because everything can feel very, very, very, very numb Because remember what they've done during that relationship. They've made themselves the serotonin and dopamine that you used to experience during those hobbies or during those activities that used to make you happy. They have conditioned you to not associate the dopamine and serotonin with that activity anymore, but only with them. So you're rebuilding that muscle. So that takes time, that takes time and that's okay. This actually brings me on to the next one.
Speaker 2:Be aware that social interactions inducting people might feel more overwhelming than you might have anticipated. Because when you go through a narcissistic or toxic relationship, usually that emotional intimacy or that emotional connection or that affection was rationed. Basically it was rationed. You were given just enough to stay, but not enough to feel like you weren't starving. So I tend to refer this to if you've been starved for over a long period of time, one of the worst things you can do is go to a banquet and just go and gorge yourself because your body's not used to it. Your body needs to be slowly reintroduced, but otherwise you're going to feel sick.
Speaker 2:Emotional connection and affection can feel like that after a narcissistic relationship. I remember personally when I came out of a narcissistic relationship where I was emotionally starved and starved of affection to give you some context, because I always find context makes it more relatable and people go oh gosh, I experienced that too. That relationship, that person wouldn't say that they loved me. They would say to me that I couldn't hug them because I'd be taking affection from them. They would say that they didn't feel like hugging me because they'll make out something on the lines of if I was more in my feminine, they would feel more open to give me affection. So they'll put a lot of blame and things like that on me and make that the reason why I wasn't getting what I wanted or needed. So that can happen in obviously a narcissistic relationship.
Speaker 2:So when you come out of something like that and you go into something healthy where someone's emotionally intelligent so this could be family giving you a hug or giving you a compliment, it can be going into a new relationship and suddenly again cuddles and kisses and things like that. That can feel very overwhelming. When you go from such a huge contrast, that can feel scary, overwhelming and a little bit like, okay, what do I do with this? So be aware of that. Be aware that there might be those jarring moments and be comfortable with yourself. What tends to happen is a lot of people tend to have a freak out moment and they say, oh, I can't have a healthy relationship or I can't do a relationship right now, or I can't be around people right now, or they'll blame themselves. Why am I feeling this way? It can be so many different things that can cause so many different emotional and mental triggers to be caused during those times. It's normal.
Speaker 2:It's more about how do you process that and how do you move forward from that. First things first, be aware of it. Be aware of, oh okay, I'm experiencing this right now. This is how I feel. So, literally, go ahead, write it down, have this as an internal dialogue, understand how you feel, understand what you need. So whether you need space, whether you need time to process, whether you need to be able to talk to someone, whether you need help and direction during that time, because that's exactly what I'm here for my clients, guiding them through and going yes, it's normal and being validated for what you feel, because that's a very appealing element of this journey too knowing that you're not wrong, knowing that you are human, knowing what you're experiencing is normal and also having confidence that your journey is moving in a positive direction. Okay, that's something that's healing and something that you need during that time. Something about that as well.
Speaker 2:One of the next things that's really important is routine. Okay, when you've come out with something that's Mind-blowing, you know, when you've had, you know, your reality distorted, you've had all the different things happen from a, you know, narcissistic relationship, all that horrible programming that tends to happen in those relationships, you're gonna need grounding and you're gonna need stability. So one of the things that I say to my clients is you need a morning and you need an evening routine. This creates enough stability and it can be something so freaking simple. It could be right. Each morning you have a coffee and that's for you. You enjoy your coffee in the morning and that's a part of your routine. In the evening you might go for a walk. You know, be aware of what that routine is, because when you start building that up, that actually builds that nice Grounded element of knowing that that's how you start your day, that's how you end your day.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you know some people need a little bit more than that. So some people actually do like an hourly chart for that for the week, so they know if they get lost or they feel a little bit lost of what they're doing. They know you can look at the chart and go, okay, well, I need to do the washing right now, or I'm gonna go and get dressed, or I'm gonna go and do some yoga. You know, give yourself the right structure and the right grounding for what you need. Don't overwhelm yourself with routine. If you're one of these people that loves to be able to rebel a little bit, just do a morning and evening routine. You know whether it can just be something as simple as five minutes long. It'll just give you enough grounding for you to be able to process, for you to be able to feel safe, and also It'll support you to regulate your Nervous system as well, which is super important.
Speaker 2:Okay, then the next thing, and this is so important as well when you've gone through an artistic relationship, often that's not the only person that you need to be able to cut out of your life, but this is why it's difficult on, you'll often find that there'd be more than one person who's been crossing your boundaries. So what I want you to do is I want you to realize where you might have not Communicated things as clearly as you needed to. So notice when you need to communicate your boundaries and notice the ones that listen and the ones that don't. It's okay to let go of people who don't respect you and don't respect your boundaries, it's okay to let them go. Sometimes I tend to see a lot of people having to let go of Jobs where they've had a very narcissistic culture. In their jobs they can be best friends. There can be certain people in their life that they have to let go of, and that's okay.
Speaker 2:It's a big part of this healing journey. No one said this. You know this is an easy journey, but I tell you what it's one of the most rewarding journeys, because those who really love and care for you want you to be the best version of you, and also they care about your needs, they care about your boundaries and they will. You know they will listen to you, they will care about those things. Those that don't want the best for you don't care about that. They just have their own agenda and they want to push that on you. You don't want those types of people in your life, because often those people are looking to run your life versus allowing you to live your life. So Super, super, super important.
Speaker 2:The other thing is, when it comes to healing, okay, there's a few different things that you need to be aware of, and it can be things like PTSD, complex PTSD and dissociation. When you have a look at those things, obviously you need the right level of support. I'm not going to go into too much about healing of those things because, number one, I prefer to work with people one-on-one on those things because obviously it affects people differently and also the wrong information, the wrong hands can do damaging things. So I don't want to go too much into that. But when you notice that you're experiencing any of those symptoms, do seek out the right level of support that you need. Okay, that's super important, like super, super super important, because when you experience any of those things, you can also experience things like depression, suicidal ideation. You know some really dark, dark things, and I don't want anyone have to feel like they have to experience any of that alone.
Speaker 2:Okay, next, the next part of the journey is Reconnecting, because when you've gone through narcissistic relationship, the first thing that tends to happen is you tend to push everyone away. Everyone's gone. It's like all of a sudden you're like, oh, where's my close friends gone? You know, go ahead, reconnect with your friends. They love you, they care about you. You want to be able to build up your social circles into something that's very healthy. And also what it will do is it will help you stay in your reality, because one of the reasons why the narcissist wants to make sure that you push everyone away is because they can. They can basically have more control over the reality that you're seeing and experiencing when you connect with people. It allows you to connect and reconnect with reality again. You start to ground. So you know and that's where you get the stability you get you have people feeding back stuff to you, going oh, I don't think that that's right.
Speaker 2:All that should happen in a relationship, or you know they might shed. That you know, you know. You know you don't see. You don't see yourself. You seem really happy or you seem really content. You know friendships and family. They tend to feedback things to you so you can see your reality in In a more truthful way. When you have more people sharing, you know what they're seeing back to you. So whether that's you looking for advice or sharing a story about your relationship or whatever it might be, it'll help you to reintegrate back into reality more Okay, and also it's making sure that you carry on nurturing those relationships throughout. You know new relationships too. So when you have a new relationship, making sure that you're connecting with those people on a regular basis, because, again, they will be keeping you grounded.
Speaker 2:Next, one of things that tends to happen in narcissistic relationships when you come out of them is something called the zygonic effect, and what it is is you'll find your mind replaying certain bits again and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again, so you know if you're finding yourself going over things and trying to figure out how to fix them or what you could have said or what you could have done differently. This is your mind problem solving, this is your mind going. I have got the answer for this. So we need to really think about this, because I'm worried that this is a problem. This is one of the reasons why I Created a course on being able to understand, identify and disarm narcissists at a very, very high level, because when you know how to identify them, even from just looking at a picture, or you know how to shut them down from just one or two words, you know you're going to feel a lot more confident in being able to deal with those personality types in future where you're not going to get used, where you're not going to get hurt, where you're not going to experience trauma, where you're not going to waste years of your life. You know, this is where you're getting your power back.
Speaker 2:So one of the most important things is being able to understand what you can do to protect yourself. That's what your mind is working, that's what the zygonic effect is there for. It's looking for the reasons and the ways to be able to protect you so you don't have to go through that again and again and again. And this is why most people go oh well, I'm never going to have a relationship again or I'm never going to be close to anyone again. That's not the answer. That's sabotaging and that's, you know, trauma-resulting. You want to be able to have a healthy response. You want to be able to understand how to protect yourself, how to feel safe and how to create those healthy boundaries so you feel more confident in being able to live your life to the fullest, experience love to the fullest and being able to be you, because it's not you if you're not loving, it's not you if you're not expressing yourself fully, it's not you if you're not fully connecting to yourself and your life and those that you love. Okay, so this is all about you being the best version of you.
Speaker 2:So what I'm going to do is I'm actually going to share a little bit about yeah, so I'm going to go a little bit into dating as well, because I think when we're talking about what we want to avoid, we need to kind of talk a little bit about what we're wanting. I always think you know if you're taking something out of your life or you're trying to avoid something, you need to know what you're working towards. You know your brain only works in positive ways. It's you know if you say your mind doesn't think of a pink elephant, you don't think of a pink elephant. So you need to know what to think of to be able to avoid thinking of that pink elephant.
Speaker 2:So when we have a look at what type of relationship that you want, the first thing I want you to do is I want you to think about what is a healthy relationship, because the thing is, most people don't know the answer to that question, which is scary, like, if I'm completely honest, I don't know what the answer was to that question five years ago. I wouldn't have had a clue. So it's understanding what your definition is Like. What does a healthy relationship look like to you, what are the rules, what are the you know, the things that you might have not realised, that you believe about a relationship, what is it that you believe about a partner, what is it that you believe about the gender of that partner? Because, again, that can have a huge impact on the way that you see relationships and the types of people that you end up attracting. The other thing as well is having a look at the reason why you ended up in that relationship and I don't mean like the whole blame culture, like all the bloody, stupid, crappy other industry people do, because I hate that.
Speaker 2:I want you to be able to understand what was it in your personality, or your childhood, or the memories, the way that you view yourself, that allowed you know that person to take advantage of you in such a way. And often we find that there's a parent that's emotionally unavailable that you might have had growing up. It might have been. You know you might have felt like there was something wrong with you growing up. There might have been. You know you might have been bullied. You know at school there can be certain things that have triggered a response. To look for a certain type of partner who would treat you in that kind of way, which is, you know, which is sad, but it's good to find it because then you're able to heal. You know I always say you know everything starts with awareness. So if you understand how those relationships start, how those people reel you in, and also what allowed you, know what part of your personality allowed you to be in that relationship, it can allow you to be able to reclaim yourself and also have the assurance that you don't need to go through that again. Okay, super important.
Speaker 2:So when we have a look at compatibility so again, this is something that we really dive into in the mastermind the 12 month mastermind we have a look at significant areas that are really, really important to make sure that you're actually meeting someone who's aligned with you, that wants to go the distance with you, that wants a long-term, long-lasting relationship, someone that's going to allow you to excel in your life and lift you up, versus hold you back and pull you down. And this is one of the reasons why I create a personalized dating strategy of my clients. When we do this, magical things happen, like really magical things happen. My clients have the choice whether they want to meet someone online or offline. I've had clients meet their partner within 21 days offline, which is amazing, and they end up in long-lasting relationships because we focus on the really core areas that I've personally researched, that I've taken the time to understand, that really do contribute to a long-lasting relationship.
Speaker 2:And one of the things that my clients say to me when they've met their partner after using this strategy is number one they're really surprised how quickly they found them and they haven't had to go on a crazy amount of dates. Number two oh my gosh, this is so different to what I've ever experienced before. That's always a good sign. Number three they are smiling so much when they're telling you about this person, like if you've had someone go on a date, and then they share with you the date and they're like, yeah, I mean, all right, I'm going to go on another date, and they're not really excited. No, these people are like, oh my gosh, I've met this person. I can see that they're absolutely amazing. They're really intuitive, they're really emotionally intelligent. They've asked me you know what, if I'm happy, if I'm happy, if I was cold, they would make sure that I was okay. You know, there's like all these amazing things that they're sharing while smiling because they've never experienced anything like it before, which is just gorgeous, which is exactly what they want and deserve after going through such an experience.
Speaker 2:So we're going to start wrapping up, because I didn't realize how much time has passed already, but if you do want to check out the mastermind, do go ahead. Jump on the website, have a look. We're running our next cohort soon, so it would be great to see you there because, at the end of the day, like I said, this journey is such a huge journey and if I can help you to go from that awful experience being able to be the best version of you, where you're living your best life and experiencing the best relationship ever, I mean, how awesome is that? Because I really do believe like the main purpose of life is love, like that's one of my okay, I'm going to tear up a little bit, but I really believe that's one of the most important things in life. I really do believe it's love, because I believe love is behind everything that we do, everything that's so important and wholesome to us, and to be able to make sure that everyone experiences that loving, amazing relationship yeah, I think that's something pretty awesome. So I'm going to send you all so much love.
Speaker 2:If you need any support, check out the mastermind, but you also have an amazing masterclass. So if you've got a lot of information from this episode today, fantastic. If you've got any questions, drop them in the comments, go and check out the mastermind on the website and then, if you are looking for a little bit more information, check out our free masterclass as well from dating after narcissistic relationships because again, I go into the compatibility side of things. I go into so many different elements that you need to have a look at, even down to red flags that you can look at so you can avoid going into a narcissistic relationship again. So do go and check those out. If you want the website, it's lovewithintelligencecom and you'll be able to find everything there. So, sending you all so much love and I shall see you in the next episode. Bye for now.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us on the Love with Intelligence radio show. I'm so grateful that you joined us today and I'm also so grateful that you are dedicating your time to improve your love life. So, as you are already on this journey, would it be crazy for you to jump over to our website, lovewithintelligencecom, and check out our many resources that's going to support you to enjoy your dream love life now? So that's lovewithintelligencecom, and I shall see you next time. Bye for now.
