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The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Love With Intelligence Podcast is the ultimate destination for high-achieving women who are ready to break free from toxic cycles, master emotional intelligence, and create secure, lasting relationships.
Hosted by Lily Walford, relationship coach and creator of the Love IQ Method, this podcast delivers bold insights, actionable tools, and transformative strategies to help listeners navigate modern love with confidence and clarity.
Through unapologetically honest conversations, myth-busting advice, and practical steps, each episode empowers women to reprogram their patterns and design the love life they deserve—because love isn’t about luck; it’s about the choices you make. Smarter love starts here.
www.lovewithintelligence.com
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Influence of Attachment Styles on Your Love Journey
What if the key to navigating the complex world of dating and relationships lies in understanding our childhood experiences and attachment styles? Imagine being able to recognize the impact of your attachment style on your relationships, and reshape your approach to love based on this understanding. In this episode, we embark on a journey to explore the deep-seated influences of our early years on our adult relationships, focusing on the four main attachment styles - secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Do you find yourself falling in love with potential instead of reality, often leading to a cycle of disappointment and heartbreak? In today's discussion, we expose the potential pitfalls of this approach and steer you towards a new perspective, emphasizing the significance of day-to-day happiness in relationships. We also explore how attachment styles can often be misused as an escape route to stay in unhealthy relationships, stressing the need for clear communication and understanding of your own needs to ward off feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
Our conversation doesn't end there. We delve deeper into the realms of empathy and compatibility, two crucial elements in fostering healthy relationships. Discover how empathy can help you better understand your partner's emotions and needs, and why compatibility plays a pivotal role in ensuring the longevity of a relationship. As we wrap up, we leave you with a powerful thought - using your emotions as a guide in seeking a fulfilling relationship. So, tune in and let's decode the intricate world of relationships together.
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are attachment styles really important when it comes to dating? I am going to be diving into this subject because I know so many people have been talking about attachment styles. They've read the book attached. What I actually want to do is I want to debunk a few things because I truly believe that the attachment theory is real, it's true, but I don't necessarily think it's being used in the right way, and I want to share with you why, and I also want to share with you what is actually important when it comes to dating and relationships.
Speaker 1:Now, for those of you that haven't read the book attached or they haven't looked into the attachment theory, I'll share with you the different attachment styles now. First off, we have the secure attachment style. This is their healthy attachment style. This is what everyone wants to be able to be in a relationship when it comes to something healthy for their partner. The secure attachment style you often find that person is warm and caring, they're trusting, they're forgiving, they have really good boundaries, they're super emotionally intelligent, they manage their emotions well, they're responsive, they're honest, they're open, great communicators in a relationship and they just genuinely care. To be in a relationship with a secure attachment style person is probably one of the best things ever. So moving on to anxious attachment styles. Now, anxious attachment styles are very interesting because what tends to happen is, as a child they have been told that their emotions don't really matter or they are not a priority and they need to prioritize other people. They don't really care what other people think and that they basically build up a level of insecurity, wanting to please people and make people happy. So they often don't feel good enough by themselves. They feel that they need to prove that they're good enough. So they'll often be very people pleasing, very accommodating, highly sensitive to other people, because when they can tune into other people, they don't preempt what that person needs or that person wants and they can be what that person wants them to be. They often have mood fluctuations because they'll get levels of resentment when they're not getting the love that they want after the effort they've put in. They can often feel taken advantage of. They often have lack of boundaries, a fear of abandonment and a lot of insecurity.
Speaker 1:When they are in a relationship, then we have the avoidant. Now the avoidant they are kind of taught that their emotions are bad things. You know, they get. You know anything to do with emotions and being emotional or anything like that. That is a very, very bad thing and they need to be more logical. So they often find that they are very logical. They're unresponsive to emotions.
Speaker 1:They tend to get emotionally flooded very easily. So if they've got a partner that is highly emotional, you often find that they will shut down very, very quickly. They'll get flooded, which means that they tend to go into a very logical mode. Knowing from remembering John Gottman's research, this is often linked to the caveman era where, you know, if you are suddenly faced with a threat, your body will become flooded and you'll need to go into logical mode to be able to, you know, kill the predator or, you know, protect your family from a predator. So it tends to be. You know, when we have a look at this trait of flooding, it's a trait that's based from the caveman era. We often find that men tend to get more flooded than women, mainly because they're in that protector kind of role.
Speaker 1:Then we've got extreme independence, so the avoidant tends to see themselves as an individual versus a couple. They don't tend to, you know, say we a lot or focus on making decisions as a couple. They tend to be very individual. In relationships. They can be very distant, very withdrawn, and they have a fear of being close because they don't want to be emotionally hurt. And then the last one is a disorganized attachment style, and this tends to happen when you've got a parent who's emotionally intelligent and then another parent who's not very emotionally intelligent. So you have two very different personality types parenting a child. So there's not that consistent level of parenting from both parents.
Speaker 1:So you tend to find that you have children who are turned into adults who are unable to emotionally self-regulate. They find intimacy and trust really difficult. They tend to dissociate a lot. They tend to have a lack of empathy because they're kind of focused on themselves quite a lot. They want closeness from others but they're fearful of being close to others. They're kind of in this very back and forth kind of state, trying to find what's right for them but unable to feel safe being close to people but feeling the need for closeness when they're not close for people.
Speaker 1:So they're the four different attachment styles. So you've got secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. So these attachment styles, they come from our childhood programming. That's something that's really really important to be able to understand.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I do really do agree with when it comes to attachment styles is actually understanding your childhood and how it is influencing your relationships, the types of partners that you're going for. I mean, one of the questions that I tend to ask people when I work with them is I'll ask them who's love did you crave more as a child your mom or your dad's? Because it will give me so much information when it comes to your childhood. You know, if you said something on the lines of yep, I was really close to my mom, but I craved my dad's attention because he worked a lot, he was more distant and my mom was more available. You know that would give me an idea that you might have be in more of the anxious or disorganized attachment style, which also tell me that you would go for more avoidant partners, because you're trying to replicate the relationship that you had with your dad with other partners and you're trying to fix it. Because this is what we tend to do about childhood Anything that's unresolved when it comes to childhood, you will try to replicate again and again and again in relationships in order to try and fix it.
Speaker 1:So you'll find a partner that let's say, for example, you had a parent who was avoidant, you would go for a partner who was also avoidant and you would find yourself trying to find how to get their attention, how to get their love, in order to fix that pattern. The thing is, you'll find that you'll go through a bit of a learning journey to realize well, actually you can't change that person and the main important thing is to prioritize yourself, prioritize your needs and meet someone who is able to give you what you need in a relationship based on who they are, versus based on your actions to get what you want from another person. Oh, this is where it gets interesting. So I've sort of mentioned that.
Speaker 1:Yes, I do agree with some parts of the attachment style theory, but I don't necessarily agree with all of it. There's a few different reasons why, and we will dive into that. The first thing, the first thing I tend to find is people tend to use the attachment style theory to stay in the wrong relationships. They'll tend to say, oh well, I'm an anxious attachment style and I've gone for an avoidant attachment style and they're just avoiding because of their childhood and this and that, and they'll give excuses to that relationship and the reasons why they need to stay in it, which is so bad, it's so toxic. So please don't do that.
Speaker 1:If you found yourself doing that, because one of the things I would say is, with a relationship I think so many people are taught to fall in love with the potential of a person it's like, oh yes, well, they've got a great job and they've got this, and they've got that and that means we'll get to have x, y, z in the future. The thing is, if you are living for the potential of a person, you're constantly going to be looking in the future for when you're going to be happy. We'll be happy when we've done this and we've got to this stage, and when they've healed and when they've done this. And the thing is, you'll find yourself being absolutely miserable because, number one, you know you day-to-day life you will not enjoy as much because you're waiting for when things get better. And, number two, things will never get better, and that's the hard, cold truth of those types of relationships.
Speaker 1:The thing is, when we have a look at relationships, it's all about the day-to-day stuff. People think, oh, it's the milestones. And you think about what we celebrate in a relationship. It's oh, okay, you've met someone, that's great. Oh wow. Okay, you're in a committed relationship. Oh wow, you've moved in together. Oh wow, you've got engaged. Oh wow, you've got a wedding. Oh wow, you've had a child.
Speaker 1:It's all these different things that we tend to celebrate publicly and our society. We tend to celebrate those things, but the thing is that's not a relationship. A relationship isn't the milestones, it's the day-to-day things. It's the silly things of helping each other, supporting each other, how you feel around each other, how you interact with each other. These are the things that are super, super important when it comes to a relationship. Because if you're not enjoying the day-to-day things, if you're not trusting of your partner, if you're not feeling the love in that relationship, then what have you got? Does the marriage really matter? Does the engagement really matter? Does the moving in together really matter? Those things don't really matter when it comes to the relationship.
Speaker 1:The things that matter are the day-to-day things of how you feel, and one of the things that I've really found when it comes to a healthy relationship is one main key thing Does this person soothe my nervous system? Because what I tend to find is toxic relationships or unhealthy ones will tend to flood the nervous system with anxiety, cause or stress that feeling of tredenomactrials. Anything toxic will induce those things. Your partner becomes a thing of stress versus someone who soothes you, someone who allows you to feel safe, someone that you trust. And that's exactly what you want in a relationship. You want to be able to feel those things because that's the foundation that you build upon. If you've got a rocky foundation where the relationship does not feel safe and it does not feel good, you don't really have much of a relationship. It doesn't matter how many times you try to convince yourself. You've probably more likely entered a trauma bond versus something healthy and something loving.
Speaker 1:And this is why I kind of want to go a little bit more into the attachment styles, because I really do believe most people use this as an excuse to be able to, you know, stay in the wrong relationships. And here's the reason why I believe that I can always guarantee that you've probably been one or more of these attachment styles. Okay, I'd say more than one. You know, I all believe that you've been more than one of these people in, you know, in relationships when it comes to attachment styles. So the first one I'm going to start with is anxious, okay.
Speaker 1:So when we have a look at the anxious attachment style, anxious attachment style. It's filled with insecurity. So I want you to think about, you know, that time when you felt really insecure in a relationship. You were worried that it was going to end. You were worried that the relationship was just suddenly going to end. The person that you were with was just going to leave and the relationship maybe get with someone else. You know you had that fear. Okay, we've all been there, we've all gone through that fear. The thing is, if you are feeling those emotions in a relationship, are those emotions valid? Yes, yes, they are. Was there something in that relationship that happened that triggered that anxious feeling? Probably yes. Did you see them flirt with someone? Did you see? Did they share something negative about you? Did they criticize you? Did they do something that caused you to feel more anxious than secure? Probably so.
Speaker 1:The thing that I don't agree with when it comes to this attachment styles is you're taught well, that's your attachment style, that's who you are. That's because of this. No, this is because your body's saying there is something very wrong in this relationship and you're not allowing yourself to listen to it. You are blaming yourself by looking at the attachment styles and going, oh, I'm just an anxious attachment style. No, you're blaming yourself, speaking of someone who has probably been the anxious attachment style. There's probably been the avoidant attachment style, it's probably been a bit of the disorganized attachment style and also being the secure attachment style.
Speaker 1:I will tell you this in the right relationship, when you're with someone who is emotionally intelligent, who at genuine respect you, who cares about you, they are not going to do anything that's going to cause you to feel insecure about that relationship. They're not going to do anything that makes you feel like your boundaries have been crossed. They're not going to do anything that causes you to feel like the relationship is a threat. Now, this is why this is really important. To kind of talk about this.
Speaker 1:The main thing when it comes to feeling anxious in a relationship or feeling insecure is communication and understanding your own needs in a relationship. So if you've found yourself in a anxious state in a relationship, there's a few different things that you can do to get back to feeling secure. And the other thing is this will also depend on how your partner responds. So, number one if you're feeling anxious, number one what is the thing that's caused you to feel anxious and is that valid? So, if you've seen your partner flirt with someone else, if you've seen them make decisions as an individual versus a couple, if you've seen them do something that has threatened the safety of the relationship, then, yes, that is valid. Two communicate it. Okay, communicate. I don't feel secure in this relationship right now.
Speaker 1:When I saw XYZ or when this happened, then it's focusing on your needs. What are you needing to feel secure again, what are you needing to be done differently and then sharing? I need to know that we're, you know the relationship is going somewhere, or I need to know that I am loved, or I need to know what your thought process was when you were doing that. I need to understand more, because when you open that level of understanding or communicating your needs or communicating what you want, you are creating closeness and you're fixing the relationship or fixing something that's you know might have been done accidentally, for example. This is where it becomes really important as well to see how your partner responds. Are they going? Oh, my goodness, I didn't even think. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to feel like that. No, don't worry, this is not a problem. I didn't want you know, I didn't want you to feel this way. This is how we're going to fix it. I will make sure that's not being done.
Speaker 1:Moving forward or and this is like when you have like more of a toxic relationship or something that's unhealthy don't be so stupid, don't be so over sensitive. I can't believe you're bringing this up again. This is ridiculous. You're ridiculous. Why are you doing this? You always do stuff like this, you know why aren't you going to sort your insecurities out and there's blame and there's criticism. That is something that's super, super unhealthy and I would never recommend someone to experience something like that in a relationship.
Speaker 1:If you're experiencing that again and again consistently in a relationship, well, number one, the relationship isn't growing. Number two, that person's tearing you down and it's going to decrease your self-worth, your confidence, and also it's deprioritizing you and deprioritizing your needs as a person. Okay, in a relationship, both of your needs are important. If you're finding yourself in a relationship where you're prioritizing your partner's needs more than your own needs, then there is a major problem. Okay, there is a major problem and it might be a pattern of yours that stem from childhood. It might be something about the dynamic of the relationship, but it's really important to be able to address that and change that for the better. Okay, now I'm going to move to avoidance.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to think, because the thing is with avoidance as well, often I find the avoidant attachment styles. There can be so many different reasons for it, but what I do want to highlight is, if you think about a narcissist, a narcissist would be an avoidant attachment style. There would be that fear of closeness. There would be very emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. They won't be focusing on your needs or anything like that. So it's not to say that all avoidance is a narcissist, but it's definitely saying that all narcissists are avoidant.
Speaker 1:So the thing that I'm going to say about avoidant I want you to feel like you know. Think about a time when you've been in a relationship where you've almost got the ick factor and you just feel shut down. It's like I don't want that person near me. I'm angry or I'm upset or I'm just not feeling it. There's something not right. What do you do? You close off, you withdraw. You don't think about yourself as being in a relationship. You think about yourself independently because you're not seeing that relationship going forward. You're not feeling very responsive to your party. You might be given one worded. You know responses versus. You know your sentence or a proper conversation to someone who you're really, really emotionally and physically into. So I want you to think about that because we've all been in that stage. You know it might have been not necessarily dating. You might be chatting to someone who's flirting with you and you really weren't feeling it and you just found yourself going into logical and more shut down.
Speaker 1:But I want to show that everyone's been in each of these sections you know been secure attachment style, the anxious attachment style, the avoidant, the disorganized Everyone's been in pretty much all of those attachment styles and it's all about the relationship dynamic that has been created by two individuals and what you're feeling. You know as a person and also you know it's not to discount how our childhood influences the types of partners that we pick and the types of relationship patterns that we do, because it does, it has a huge impact and often there are things that need to be healed or things that need to be. I want to say rewired is probably the best way, because we often have to learn a few things before we can enter a relationship that is healthy, where we feel attracted to a partner who is actually right for you and able to have a healthy relationship. So you can start. You can start to understand why. I believe you know attachment styles are great to understand, but not necessarily great or well executed by people when it comes to understanding relationships and being in the right relationship. So what do I actually recommend instead?
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to being in a healthy relationship, there is one core ingredient empathy. You cannot be in a relationship with anyone, or a healthy relationship with anyone, if they don't have empathy. Empathy is literally the core ingredient when it comes to a healthy relationship, because what it does is it allows you to understand what that person needs, what that person is feeling, and be able to feel connected to your partner. You need to understand how you feel, how they feel, and how to build that relationship up, how to make decisions that are going to build the relationship you know into something more stronger, more secure, more safe, more loving, because when you nurture a relationship, you need to be very connected and very in tune with your partner to be able to create that level of intimacy and trust If you don't have empathy. Okay.
Speaker 1:So empathy is literally your ability to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and to be able to feel their emotions. You know it's almost referred to empathy. As you know, if you hurt someone, you are feeling their pain. You don't want to. You have that thing of like feeling as if that pain is your pain. If you're seeing someone being hurt, you can feel it yourself, whether it's physically or emotionally. And the thing is, when you're with someone that you love, you would never want them to feel that pain or to feel or suffer by your own actions. Now the thing is, when we think about narcissists, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, the empathy part of the brain is underdeveloped. That's something that's been scientifically proven. They don't have that level of empathy, that skill set that helps them to understand oh, if I'm hurting someone, that's actually hurting you know that's hurting me as a result, because I don't want to see someone that I love being pain. They are more focused on their individual game in that relationship. Okay, so empathy is really, really important.
Speaker 1:So when we have a look at relationships, and especially new relationships when you're dating, you want to see does this person have the capacity to show me that they care, that they're able to put themselves in my shoes, that they are thinking about me, my needs and all those different things. It might be something really simple. It might be going well, I'll travel to you on our date, or I'm gonna pick this place, I'll do some research. Or it might be something on the lines of you know, you might have shared that you've had a day and it's a bad day, and they say, oh, my goodness, I hope you're okay. Is there anything you need? You want to talk about it? You know it's being able to respond to your emotional needs in a way that fulfills them or validates them.
Speaker 1:The moment you're criticized or put down or anything negative, or even ignored, when you share your emotional needs or share your emotions or anything like that, that is a sure sign that there is someone. You know there's someone who doesn't have the emotional capacity or the empathy to be able to have a healthy relationship with you. Okay, I mean, I was recently chatting to someone who's gone through a really hard time and they were thinking about going on a date with someone and they shared that they had a really bad day. You know, something really horrific happened within their family and when they shared that with that person, that person did not ask them how they are, how their family member was or anything, and that really does show a lack of empathy, a lack of care and a lack of consideration for that person, which again doesn't create a healthy relationship. So empathy number one core ingredient.
Speaker 1:The next thing is compatibility. Now, if you haven't checked it out I do recommend you do, because this is one of my favorite things I've done to date in this work is the compatibility matrix. I believe compatibility is one of the most important things to consider when it comes to a healthy relationship, because you're thinking about the longevity, you're thinking about whether you can do life with this person based on your values, your beliefs, your goals, your lifestyle. And this is really important to be able to consider, because the moment that you have different priorities to your partner, or a different lifestyle or very different beliefs that you prioritize, your relationship can then actually be in jeopardy, because you know you'll be finding yourself in those positions where you're locking heads all the time versus working together. So when we think about compatibility, we need to think about eight core elements. Now, I won't go through all of them now because you can go into the website and download Meet the One Guide. If you do want to go through all of them. I recommend you do, especially before you go out and date, because you've got an idea of what to look for, because that's equally important and that changes the dating experience that you have too.
Speaker 1:But I want you to think about the. You know your goals, your lifestyle, your beliefs when it comes to relationship. What do you believe a relationship is? And also what you prioritize in your life. One of the things that you really prioritize that you would want either your partners to at least prioritize or at very at least understand that you prioritize certain things. That might be your children, if you've got children. It might be family, it might be work, it might be money, it might be travel. You know you want a partner who's going to support your priorities, support you when it comes to your priorities. So that's super, super important. So if you need to go and check that out, go and jump on our website that's lovewithintelligencecom. Go and download the Meet the One Guide, because it will change the way you date.
Speaker 1:The reason I say this is I want you to think about times when you've gone to the grocery store and you've forgotten your shopping list. How often have you been able to? You know out of those times that you've forgotten your shopping list. How many times have you gone in there and got everything that you needed? Probably not. I would say 80% of the time that you've probably not got everything that you've needed. You've probably forgotten something that's really important to you, or you might have added some naughty things in there that you shouldn't have added.
Speaker 1:You know, dating is very much the same If you're not clear on what you're wanting and desiring in a partner. And again, this is why the compatibility matrix is really important, because we share the eight things that are really important to consider in a relationship, for a long, lasting relationship versus a fling. You know, being able to understand those things from the get go means that you're able to recognize if that person is actually right to do life with you, and it gives you that hard, cold evidence that sometimes you need when it comes to dating, because when we date, we tend to get infatuated, we tend to get really excited, we tend to be really attracted to someone, and what this does is it actually triggers our short term thinking. We go well, actually, we really like this person, we want to go and date, we want to go and flirt, we want to go and do some naughty things. You know, we tend to have that short term thinking. We want that quick win, that quick result, versus actually thinking about something long term. So when we have those facts in front of us, I'm able to say, ah, actually I can see that this person's not going to work for me, because they're more of someone who is very focused on work and I want to go and travel the world and experience freedom and all those different things. But you then start to see that that person's not right for you and, yes, it might have been a fantastic fling, but you ultimately wouldn't have got what you wanted and you would have wasted time in that relationship and gone through another heartbreak to get over in order to go and actually find what you really want, which is not what you want to go through. So when we have that hard, cold evidence of going through the compatibility matrix, you're able to understand whether you know someone is truly right for you, someone who's actually going to be right to do life with, that you're going to be able to experience that amazing relationship with, versus that short term fling. Okay, so super, super important.
Speaker 1:The next thing that's really important to be able to consider as well when it comes to a relationship, is being really tuned into you. Now, I don't really talk about this enough and I should. Most people, when they go and date, they often forget about their own needs. They're so focused on trying to prove themselves like proof I'm worth to be loved and all those different things. You don't want to be stuck in that. You don't want to be stuck in that horrible cycle of, you know, trying to get validation basically from being liked or being messaged or being asked on a date. You don't want to be in that place of trying to get that validation from dating. So when you start tuning into you, okay, there's a few things that are really important to consider. Obviously, your emotional needs and I've talked a lot about that already. I'll probably do like a proper full on video on that, because I think that's really important to really dive into how to be more in tune with yourself and your needs and prioritize yourself more, because it will make you a stronger person and someone who's going to be more able to communicate their needs and all those different things and prioritize themselves, which makes a healthier relationship, fyi, but it's also being in a place of being able to then create a life that you enjoy, that you feel really good about that.
Speaker 1:You wake up each day and you're like, oh, this is my life. This is so amazing, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not, or single, because what I tend to find is, with people who are not happy in their life as a single person, they will often go and date as almost like a avoidant let's try and think of the right word. What word am I thinking of? They will do it as a way of escapism. So you know, like, how some people use you know, drinking, drugs, food. You know some people use dating in exactly the same way.
Speaker 1:And if you're wandering, oh, am I that person? Tell me this. Have you been on Tinder or been on a dating app and you've gone swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe and you've not got. You know, you've suddenly not met someone, you've suddenly not connected or you've not been liked by anyone, and you suddenly go into the horrible lull and you're like, oh well, this is ridiculous, and you end up deleting the app and then you end up re-downloading it. You know, a week later when you're bored this is going to date from that validation place and from a place of trying to get something from the dating app.
Speaker 1:The thing is, if you're happy in yourself and you're happy in your life, you're not going to be going on that dating app going oh, please like me, because it'll make me feel better. You're going on that app going okay, is this person someone I can connect to it? Do I feel good about meeting this person or speaking to this person? You're going from the place of exploring versus please like me, because then I can feel good about myself. Okay, you don't want to be in that place because, again, if you're in that place of looking for validation, chances are you can end up meeting the wrong kind of partner. Number two you can end up meeting more toxic type of partners who can use that to manipulate. Because when we get that love bombing and all that sort of, all those different things you know, then you're stuck in the cycle of you know narcissistic or very toxic relationship dynamics, which is not going to work for you, because you'll find yourself trying to fit and be someone in a relationship that that person wants, versus being loved for who you actually are.
Speaker 1:The next thing is actually understanding the healthy relationship dynamics as well, so I probably do a video on this soon as well, but it's the four C's. I created a framework of what a healthy relationship actually is, and this is really important to be able to understand, because when you understand what a healthy relationship is, you know what you're working towards, you know what you're actually creating and also you can see whether that person that you potentially want to create a relationship with is someone who's actually capable of building a healthy relationship. So I'm going to kind of summarize everything that we've talked about today, because I feel like we've covered a lot. So the attachment styles, the different attachment styles you've got secure, which is like the healthy one, where you're warm, you're caring, you're loving, you're trusting, forgiving. You've got good boundaries, you manage your emotions well, you're responsive, you're honest, you're open. Then you've got the attachement style where you've got the relationship insecurities, the fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, people pleasing, oversensitive. Then you've got avoidant, the fear of closeness, being distant, withdrawn, avoiding conflict, extreme independence, emotionally distant. And then you've got disorganized, which is unable to self-regulate, finding intimacy and trust difficult, tendency to dissociate, lack of empathy, wants for closeness, the fearful of people, of being close to people. So you've got those four attachment styles. Now the important part for this is you will find yourself in all of those attachment styles at some point in your life.
Speaker 1:The thing is is not to use this as an excuse for your relationship being a certain way, or whether you're dating, whether you're in a relationship now, whether you're in a new relationship. Please do not use this as an excuse. One thing I will say is your emotions are barometer. They are barometer, they are your internal navigating system. They are allowing you to explore how to create something that's right for you. So if you're feeling insecure, if you're feeling avoidant, if you're feeling close, close to someone, this is your mind and your body communicating to you whether that relationship is right or whether that relationship is wrong, or whether something needs to shift or whether something needs to change in order for it to feel better.
Speaker 1:The other thing is is having a look at your partner. Are they emotionally intelligent? Do they have empathy? Are they taking action to be able to improve the relationship, or are they just giving you lip service and going? You know, I think I've been in a relationship for a while. I said, well, rome's not built in a day and I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing all this work and nothing ever changed. Okay. So you know, be aware of those things If you are dating. Okay, I want you to be aware of empathy, making sure that you're picking a partner with empathy, because that is the core ingredient.
Speaker 1:The next thing is I want to make sure that you are meeting someone compatible. So go and download the compatibility matrix. It's completely free. It's going to allow you to know how to meet someone who is compatible for you for the long term versus the short term flings. The next thing is how to create that healthy relationship dynamic. You know how to meet someone who is right. So, when you've met someone who is right for you, knowing how to develop that into a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing is making sure that you're prioritizing your needs and you're creating a life that feels good to you, because the moment you do that, you're going to be less likely looking for validation and using dating as a thing to use as escapism. You want to be able to use dating as something that enhances your life, where you're being able to meet different people versus a crutch, to be able to feel good and, to you know, enjoy all those dopamine and serotonin hits when you get validation. Okay, so I know we've gone quite deep today, so I'd love to hear your thoughts, your questions, anything that you want to be able to share. So feel free to comment, or feel free to reach out, or even feel free to book a free call and we can have a little chat, maybe about situations that you're experiencing right now with your love life and how we can move that forward to something that is better and more exciting for you. So thank you so much for watching. I hope you've enjoyed and I'll see you soon. Bye for now.
