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The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Love With Intelligence Podcast is the ultimate destination for high-achieving women who are ready to break free from toxic cycles, master emotional intelligence, and create secure, lasting relationships.
Hosted by Lily Walford, relationship coach and creator of the Love IQ Method, this podcast delivers bold insights, actionable tools, and transformative strategies to help listeners navigate modern love with confidence and clarity.
Through unapologetically honest conversations, myth-busting advice, and practical steps, each episode empowers women to reprogram their patterns and design the love life they deserve—because love isn’t about luck; it’s about the choices you make. Smarter love starts here.
www.lovewithintelligence.com
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
Online Dating: How To Go From Stale Interactions To Genuine Connections
Have you ever wondered why swiping right doesn't bring Mr. or Ms. Right into your life?
Our latest podcast episode peels back the layers of online dating and self-identity, guiding you towards a path of self-discovery and meaningful connections. Diving into the heart of what makes relationships tick, we unpack the significance of understanding yourself and your past traumas to navigate the digital love terrain with clarity and purpose. With insights from relationship experts and life coaches, this isn't just a talk about finding love; it's about reshaping your approach to foster genuine partnerships and steer clear from the clingy grip of codependency.
Let's talk about the four C's—no, not diamonds, but something just as valuable for your relationship: compatibility, consideration, communication, and collaboration. Our conversation explores the compatibility matrix, a tool that's about to become your best friend in the quest for love. It's not about the numbers game but finding someone who truly aligns with your values and dreams. We'll dissect the patterns that may have led you to play the hero in past relationships and how you can break free from these cycles. Listen in as we share strategies that can revolutionize your approach to dating, turning it from a maze of misconnections into a journey of joint discovery.
Wrap up your headphones, because we're bringing the finale to your relationship woes with a discussion on the most crucial part of any connection: communication. Learn how to lay the foundation of happiness within yourself before even stepping into the dating scene. We break down why the Love IQ assessment and an 11-part strategy are the roadmaps you need to navigate the complex world of modern dating with finesse. Plus, get the scoop on how to make conversations sizzle with authenticity and intention. By the end of this episode, you'll be ready to meet someone extraordinary and cultivate a love that's as rewarding as it is resilient.
As promised links below relating to this episode:
Discover Your Love IQ Assessment: https://loveiq.scoreapp.com
Compatibility Matrix: https://www.lovewithintelligence.com/meet-the-one
Website: www.LoveWithIntelligence.com
Struggling to break toxic patterns?
Discover what’s holding you back in love with the Love IQ Assessment—your first step to creating secure, lasting relationships.
👉 Take the Assessment Here
Serious about finding the right partner?
Book a complimentary Love Life Analysis Call to create a personalised roadmap for attracting emotionally available partners and reprogramming your love life. Spaces are limited!
👉 Book Your Call Now
Are we ready for a very juicy topic. Today we're going to be diving into online dating and the reasons why you might not be connecting with the right type of people for you. Because, at the end of the day, dating should be super fun, it should be enjoyable, it should be this amazing experience where you're going on a bit of adventure, meeting so many different people that feel aligned to you. But that might not always be the case. I know a lot of people who've gone out into the dating world and they have struggled, for a multitude of reasons, whether they've not been connected with the right people, they've gone through the dating fatigue, they've not had the matches that they've wanted. You know, there can be so many different reasons and today I want to dive into just five areas today on different ways that you can change that experience for you. And when I say I'm just going to go into five areas, there's so many different areas that we can dive into, but I've specifically picked these five things in particular because I really think that these are going to be the main ones to really help and serve you today and I wanted to make sure that we had the time to really dive into them deeply so. When I say these five different areas, these are things that have been highlighted to me through so much research, over 10 years of research, and also by working with over 500 people over the last six years. So, yeah, I've got a ton of experience on this.
Speaker 1:So let's have a look at the first thing Identity. Okay, and I know that we're. You know it feels like a very dry subject and it feels like it can be a little bit scary and a bit confronting, but you know what, if you're here and you're listening to this, this is exactly what you need and you are prepared to actually hear these hard truths, because identity has a huge influence on the types of partners that we actually attract. So the first thing I'm going to say when it comes to identity is how much do you actually know yourself? How much work or inner work have you done on yourself? How much therapy have you gone through? How much you know really deep diving into who you are have you actually done? This is super important, because what I tend to see is a lot of people tend to go out, they go ahead and date, but they almost merge into their partner and you end up in this codependent pattern or partnership, and it's something that just doesn't work for the long term. The other thing is, when you are in a place where you don't really feel like you fully know yourself, your partner doesn't get to fully know you either. So identity is super, super important.
Speaker 1:So I want to talk about a few different areas of elements that can actually influence your identity, and the first one's trauma. Like I wish more people would be able to talk a little bit more about trauma and the actual impacts it can have on you and the way that you relate to yourself, because, if we think about it, relationships are all about being able to connect. But how can you connect to someone else if you haven't fully connected to yourself? Okay, you can see the problem here. So one thing I love to be able to ask people to find out if they are really, really connected to themselves is I tend to ask them okay, do you know what makes you happy? And when people go, I haven't got a clue. That's usually a bit of a highlight to me that there's some, there's some sort of disconnect between them and themselves.
Speaker 1:Another question I tend to ask someone is what do you envision for yourself for the future? You know whether it's a year, whether it's five years, whether it's a few months. What have you got planned for the future? What goals do you have for yourself? Because the more disconnected someone is, the less they're actually able to answer those questions. And you can imagine, you know, if you've got someone who doesn't understand those elements about themselves, well, how can you feel connected, how do you feel that you can connect, get to know that person, how do you know what's driving that person? So, if you are struggling to answer those questions, you'll take that time to really reflect and understand yourself. And then, equally, if you can answer those questions, make sure when you're connecting with someone, that person is able to answer those questions. Because, again, you know, the dating game is all about being able to connect to someone who's also connected to themselves. But not everyone is fully connected to who they are. So it's a bit of you know, it can be a little bit of a maze to begin with, but there are ways that you can actually see from a profile on how you know how connected someone is to themselves. And we go through that through a multitude of our programs and our one-to-one coaching. So, going a little bit deeper into identity.
Speaker 1:I started to touch on trauma. Trauma is often something that most people minimize. They often say things like well, I had a fantastic childhood, nothing's really affected me, I just get up and go on with it. But they don't actually take the time to realize the impact of certain emotional events that have happened to them in their lives. Now, when these things can happen, it can cause a disconnect to yourself, whether that's through dissociation, or it can also cause something called complex PTSD, also cause something called complex PTSD. And ultimately, the underlying element of complex PTSD is not feeling safe when it comes to relationships or relating to people.
Speaker 1:So you can see how that identity can shift. You know your way to be able to connect with other people, because if your body's going well, hang on. Other people aren't safe. It's going to do everything to be able to push people away on a subconscious basis. So and I know we're going deep and I understand this can be a little bit scary and a little bit overwhelming to begin with, but stay with me, because this journey isn't about trying to. You know, push yourself to do this all on your own. This is why I am here. This is why I am here, to be able to support you to overcome these challenges, because I have been right where you're at and it sucks. Okay, I get it.
Speaker 1:So what I'm going to say is, if identity is something you're a little bit like, oh, I don't quite understand certain elements myself. There's trauma to be resolved, or you know whether you've been through um, you know, and a bad relationship and we'll get into that side of things in a moment these are all things that can stop you from fully connecting to you and fully connecting to other people. So how do we build this up? Well, to start off with with identity, it's really important to get you to know yourself through your emotions. I literally believe that your emotions are there to be a navigation system. They are there to guide you, but the problem is most people tend to ignore them. Most people tend to push away those emotions completely, ignore what's going on for them and try to logically reason why they're feeling that way or reasons not to feel that way, which is the worst possible thing that you can do, and there's a reason why most people do that, but I feel like I need to do another video on that. I really do.
Speaker 1:So, going back to emotions, when was the last time that you stopped and just felt, because the truth is, your feelings are there to be listened to. They are there to guide you. So I want you to think about a past relationship that didn't work out. How did you feel in that relationship? What emotions were coming up for you? What did you feel when you first met that person? Because I can guarantee that there was some emotional discomfort, whether it was towards the relationship or whether it was at the beginning of the relationship or both. And this is why it is so important to be able to listen to your body, because this is allowing you to understand what it is that you need in order to feel comfortable, to feel safe, to feel loved and to be able to build a life that feels absolutely amazing to you.
Speaker 1:Now, your identity is what has also been created between the ages of zero and seven. Okay, so your parents, or whoever raised you, were basically able to give you a role to be able to play, which is your identity now. So it might be that you're praised for certain things, told off for certain things. You took on beliefs that they had. There's a multitude of different things that and you know that create your identity now. So now it's kind of being able to actually look at that in a reflective way, to feel into what serves you, what's not serving you, what's real for you and what's not real for you. So what I would say with this is start to feel Okay, just super, super important.
Speaker 1:Let's say, for example, right now you open up that dating app and you look at a dating profile of someone else that you could potentially be interested in, notice what you're feeling when you're looking at that profile. Is it a hell yes or a hell no? If it's not a hell yes, it's always a hell no. So allow yourself to navigate from that place. One thing that we don't talk about enough and I share this constantly with my clients is that be proud of the no's than the yes's.
Speaker 1:This, you know, being able to date online isn't about trying to appeal to the masses. This is about trying to appeal to those people that fully are going to connect, understand you and feel appreciated by you and, vice versa, you feeling appreciated by them. It's about finding people who are like you effectively. So let's think about how you would feel, you know, being able to connect with someone who understands you, who really connects to you, who really, you know, appreciates who you are as a person, you know. It creates that lovely feeling of peace. It creates that lovely feeling of being appreciated, being loved and be feeling at home. So this is what you're wanting to feel when it comes to meeting someone who is right for you. So, and that can be a mixture of looking at a profile and noticing what you're feeling from the photos that they're sharing, because if you think about a profile, it's that demonstration of here you go, this is how I want to be presented, this is how I want to be seen by the world. So, when it comes to creating your own profile, I want you to really think about how do you want people to understand you, what do you want people to appreciate about you? What is it that you want to be able to show your partner, or what do you want them to realize that you really prioritize? You know, whether it's pictures of you with your friends, whether it's traveling, whether it's more work scenarios really take in what you want someone to appreciate and to value about you.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the next bit I want to dive into is past relationships. Past relationships oh, they literally give me so much information about who you are as a person, what you're struggling with? Um, because relationships just in general mimic so many different areas in your life, whether it's your work, whether it's your friendship groups, whether it's your hobbies. It reflects so much, and I'll kind of dive into why that is in just a moment. But past relationships if you have not done the work to solve anything that you dislike about your past relationships, guess what? You will go through that again and again and again. Because it's a part of you being able to learn a certain lesson. It's a part of you being able to learn a certain lesson and it's also heavily linked with your identity because you're playing a certain role in that relationship.
Speaker 1:So if you think about a past relationship, let's say you're in a narcissistic relationship. Okay, you have been taught in that relationship that your needs don't matter, that your emotions don't matter. Now it's really important to notice how that is mimicked in so many different areas of that person's life, whether it's their career. Maybe they've got a boss that doesn't listen to them. Maybe they've got, you know, a friend that always wants more from them than they're able to give. You know, I want you to see all the different ways that these things are mimicked. So let's say that your past relationships were absolutely amazing, but there was one person that you seem to have attracted, that you were almost like a parent to.
Speaker 1:Well, I want you to see where you have taken on the role of rescuing. Okay, have you been in a position where you feel like rescuing your friends, rescuing your family, rescuing colleagues at work, where you felt the need or the responsibility of other people, their emotions, their issues rather than being able to actually fully focus on your needs? So past relationships can show so many different things that have caused problems when it comes to creating the right relationship with the right person. So, if you are struggling to fully connect to someone when it comes to dating, think about what type of person do you want to connect to and how do you connect to them. Do you connect to them in a healthy way or do you connect with them in a mind of feeling that you need to rescue someone? Because I find that a lot of people tend to feel more safe to be in a role of being able to be needed versus being wanted or desired. It's a very different feeling and a very different relationship dynamic. So, if you're going to look at your past relationships, did you feel needed or did you feel wanted? So it's a very, very, very different dynamic. If you felt needed, then I want you to have a look at the responsibilities that you may have taken on in that relationship, that you shouldn't have, that weren't yours to take.
Speaker 1:Because the other thing is, one of the things that I talk about is the four C's of a healthy relationship, and there was a framework that I created a couple of years ago and it still stands true for me today. I don't have any desire to change it because I think it's perfect. And the four C's are compatibility, consideration, communication and collaboration. And one of the things I've always said about the collaboration element is it's your ability to be able to stand on your own two feet and be an independent person, and for your partner to be an independent person too, because if you've got two independent people, they're able to create a whole relationship.
Speaker 1:If you end up in a relationship where you've got someone who isn't wholly independent whether it's emotionally independent, whether it's financially independent, it doesn't matter what it is they will end up in a parent-child dynamic, which is a very codependent pattern when it comes to their relationship. So, if you think about it. If you're in that place of feeling, you know, only feeling safe to connect when you are needed versus wanted, well, that's going to create a really difficult dynamic to be able to connect with someone who is healthy. Okay, because if you can think about a dynamic where you know you're chatting to someone online, you know potential dating, you know someone that you want to date and instantly you are needed, that's a huge red flag right there. But if that's your zone of comfort, that's going to feel very comfortable to you, that's going to feel very natural to you and that's going to be you know, that's going to cause a lot of problems when it comes to developing that relationship that isn't codependent, okay, so past relationships can influence so many different things or show you so many different things when it comes to being able to connect, okay.
Speaker 1:Next thing okay, here's my next point Compatibility. So many people don't have a clue on who they are actually compatible with and of course, this causes huge problems. Think about it. It's almost like going right, let's go somewhere, but you don't have a point placed in your sat nav. You're just getting in a car and just driving around aimlessly. Yeah, the journey might be fantastic, but God knows where you're going to end up. You know, dating is exactly the same. You need to be able to understand who you are compatible with so you can create a healthy relationship for you and your partner. That is so important.
Speaker 1:So, when we have a look at compatibility, I created something called the compatibility matrix and it goes into the several areas that are super important when it comes to creating the right kind of relationship. So the thing is, it's not just about creating the right kind of relationship, but it's about understanding who the right partner is for you and how you can recognize that from the get-go. So I want you to think about how you can recognize that from a dating profile. Without even having to message that person, you know you can filter out very quickly the people that are wrong for you and the people that are right for you, because, like I said, the dating game is all about finding ways to connect with the right people, not just anyone. It's always quality over quantity.
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to compatibility, look at your life now. What do you prioritize? What are your main things in your life? What do you spend the most time on? Because these are the things that you're going to need a partner to understand, to appreciate they might not have the same interests, but you want them to be able to be supportive on the things that you prioritize the most, and vice versa. So that's something that's really important. Again, if you do want to re-dive deeply into the compatibility matrix, it's completely free on our website. I'll put a link below as well, in the description, so you can go ahead and go through that absolutely free, because I want more people to be able to experience what an amazing relationship actually feels like. And, if you think about it, over 50% of relationships or marriages even end up in divorce these days, which is terrifying, which just shows how many people don't know how to connect with the right person for them. So this is really important. So if you do want to go through the compatibility matrix, I highly recommend that you jump on the website now, go and download that guide, because that will be a game changer for you in terms of being able to meet people who are right for you.
Speaker 1:Who is incompatible? It feels boring, it feels draining, it just feels rubbish Okay. So if you're going through, you know dating and you're feeling disconnected or you're feeling drained, I can almost guarantee it's because there's not that level of compatibility there to begin with. So there's nothing wrong with you. It's just you're talking to the wrong person. Let them go, move on, everything's going to be fine. Make room for people who are actually compatible, who are compatible with you.
Speaker 1:The next point I'm going to make and this is huge, like huge. I don't think I can share how big this is. But it's coming back to your own life satisfaction. How happy are you in your life at this moment in time as a single person? Because that is just huge. I mean, okay, so this is a big topic. So you will be so surprised how many people I talk to who have dove in to the dating world because they are just using it to numb themselves. They're using it for that little lift of being liked and being desired and you know, and all those different things and being needed.
Speaker 1:No, if you are not living a life that you feel good about right now, you don't want to share that with someone else. You want to be able to find the things that are super, super important to you so you enjoy your life, because otherwise, let's say, for example, you're unhappy with your life, you're using dating as a little bit of escapism. Let's say, you enter that relationship, your happiness is going to be so focused on that person. This is a trap. I tend to see so many people who end up in narcissistic relationships, who end up in really toxic relationships, codependent relationships, because all their happiness is in the power of their partner. Okay, that is so toxic, so, so, so, so toxic. So if your life isn't feeling good, then that is that's going to be huge alarm bells for something to change.
Speaker 1:Okay, and this comes back to identity being able to feel, being able to use those emotions as that navigation system to be able to find a life and create a life that feels good to you. That is super, super, super important. So this is something that I tend to have a look at with people, because I love to be able to have a look at creating that perfect life. So, regardless of whether they stay single for life which they won't, you know they're able to live their life and wake up each morning going, oh, this is my life. This is amazing. They're not looking for a partner to try and, you know, complete them or anything like that. They are living a fantastic life. And what happens when we have a high level of happiness in our lives. Guess what? Our standards rise. So, all of a sudden, the type of partner that you're bringing in is someone who's more high value.
Speaker 1:Okay and huge. That's exactly what you want. You don't want someone just to fill a gap or just just, you know, to distract you from your life because your life's not feeling good. You want someone to bring in and to say, hey, my life's absolutely amazing, your life's absolutely amazing, let's build an even better life together. That's what you want. So this is just super, super important. And you can imagine, you know, if you're feeling disconnected to your own life and you're not feeling good about your own life, again, how are you going to connect to someone? How are you going to feel good about connecting to someone? And the other thing is how much time do you invest in a dating app versus your own life, if your happiness is low? Okay, big, big truths here. Okay, so I understand this is huge and I get that. You know that this is a big deal, but this is the truth and these are going to be major things if you change them to improve your dating life.
Speaker 1:Today, the last one I want to go through, and then then what we'll do. We'll summarize everything at the end and I'll share with you how you can have a look at the six other areas. That would be super important because there's 11 in total, but these are pretty good to start off with. So the last one is communication. Communication it is the difference between feeling understood and feeling connected and feeling disconnected and feeling alone. Communication is huge. Our words have such an amazing impact on people if they are used in the right way. Impact on people if they are used in the right way. So, when we think about communication, how do you actually enjoy someone connecting with you? What's the energy behind that communication that makes all the difference? Where you feel connected to where you feel excited, where you feel like, yeah, this person understands me or gets me.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to talk about a few different things that you can use when it comes to connecting with someone. The first thing is bringing in that element of fun. Okay, like I said, dating should be fun, so ask something different. You know, when we think about fun, there's usually a novelty aspect. There's usually something that's a little bit different. It's usually something a little bit cheeky, a little bit flirty. It's okay to go down that route versus the boring rubbish. Hey, how are you doing, how's your day going, come on, it's like you know, if you think about the afterthought, you know feeling like the afterthought, that is a perfect way to go.
Speaker 1:So if you're sending those kind of messages out where it's like hey, how are you doing, how's your day going, do you feel cared about? Do you feel understood? Do you feel like that person's even interested in you? You know versus, you know, wow, where was that picture taken in your photo? But it's absolutely amazing. Or asking a funny question like pineapple on a pizza, yes or no? You know this is really important. Make it fun and it doesn't matter if you know, it doesn't matter like what you do or what you share, just make it fun, make it different, make them feel like you are zoning in on that person and your communication between you two is important versus the mundane rubbish. Okay, I mean, think about it. If you messaged your friend you know your friends going hey, how's your day going? Do you think they'll feel understood and appreciated and seen? Probably not. They'll be like oh, that's a boring message. You know they sound, you know it's like you can just feel the boredom. Right, make it fun. Okay, super, super important. So I'm going to summarize everything that I've shared so far identity, okay, understanding who you are, what your needs are, what you feel, what your goals are, what makes you happy, because this is going to influence the type of relationship that you are going to be bringing in. Okay, super important.
Speaker 1:Past relationships have you healed? Have you healed from those past relationships? Have you recognized your role that you've taken in that relationship? Have you been the rescuer? Have you been the victim? Have you been someone that you know your emotions aren't cared about or heard, or whatever it may be? Look at the role that you are playing, that you know your emotions aren't cared about or heard, or whatever it may be. Look at the role that you are playing in those past relationships, because if you can identify that, you can break so many patterns when it comes to your family, when it comes to your friends, when it comes to your career, and create a healthier, happier life for yourself and attract a better relationship going forward. That is huge and that's exactly what I want for you.
Speaker 1:The next one is compatibility. Do you know who you are compatible with? Do you know the type of person that you'll just work really well with that you can have a long-term relationship with. Because, ultimately, that's what compatibility is all about is being able to say, hey, can this person be with me for a long period of time because we're so aligned yes or no? And compatibility is just a game changer and, like I said, I will put a link below in the descriptions where you're able to check out our compatibility matrix for free. This is something that I've personally developed that's made a huge difference to so many people meeting the right partner for them.
Speaker 1:Number four happiness. How happy are you in your current life? Because if you're not happy now as a single person, you're not going to be happy in a relationship either, or you're going to end up in something that's toxic or codependent. Build up your own happiness, build yourself up before you go out and date. Communication okay, that's the last one. This is number five. Make it fun, connect, personalize it, allow that person to feel like you are focused on them, that you want to get to know them. Don't do the mundane rubbish you know boring stuff, because you're going to get that back. So that's identity, past relationships, compatibility, happiness and communication. So, like I said before, there are only five things I've shared today, but there are 11 in total.
Speaker 1:And if you do want to dive into that and I do highly recommend this and if you do want to dive into that and I do highly recommend this there is something called a Love IQ assessment that I have personally created that helps people to identify the certain areas that they need to work on or nurture so they're able to enjoy a long, lasting relationship. Again, this comes back to my 10 years of experience and also working with over 500 clients to help them meet their right partner. So when you go through the assessment, it takes a little while. I will hold my hands up and say that, but you are committed to meeting the right person and, let's face it, eight minutes out of your life is not a big deal when it comes to making sure that you're meeting the right one.
Speaker 1:So I want to make sure that I'm gifting you something that's going to actually help you, versus giving you something that's just like meh say these 10 things to make them fall in love with you and it's just a load of rubbish.
Speaker 1:I want you to actually see the core influences to your love life.
Speaker 1:So once you've gone through that assessment, you'll be able to see the things that are going really well for you and the things that are not going so well for you, and from there, you're able then to work on certain areas that are not working so well for you know exactly what you need to go ahead and do to work on them, and you can then move forward, meet someone who's absolutely amazing and be in a position to be, to actually enjoy that relationship, because that's the difference.
Speaker 1:This is about not changing who you are, but becoming more of who you are, and that way you're going to be able to enjoy a relationship where you feel connected, where you feel loved, where you feel safe, where you feel desired, where you feel wanted, and that's exactly what I want for you. So go ahead, check out in the links below. You'll have the compatibility matrix, you'll have the love iq assessment, and this will really get the wheels moving for you to be able to meet the right person for you. So I'm gonna end it there. Thank you so much for listening and sending you all so much love. Bye for now.
