.png)
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Love With Intelligence Podcast is the ultimate destination for high-achieving women who are ready to break free from toxic cycles, master emotional intelligence, and create secure, lasting relationships.
Hosted by Lily Walford, relationship coach and creator of the Love IQ Method, this podcast delivers bold insights, actionable tools, and transformative strategies to help listeners navigate modern love with confidence and clarity.
Through unapologetically honest conversations, myth-busting advice, and practical steps, each episode empowers women to reprogram their patterns and design the love life they deserve—because love isn’t about luck; it’s about the choices you make. Smarter love starts here.
www.lovewithintelligence.com
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
Three Essential Secrets for Singles Seeking Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships
Are communication skills the only keystone to a successful relationship? I'm here to debunk this myth and introduce you to the profound impact of empathy in forging connections that endure. In an eye-opening episode, we navigate the depths of authentic emotional understanding, confronting how empathy is the true linchpin in any romantic engagement.
Digging into the natures of conditional versus unconditional love, we expose the sheer potency of acceptance and the hazards of attachment that relies on altering someone's behavior. Say goodbye to manipulative silent treatment and hello to the strength of mutual respect and kindness.
Our conversation also pivots towards the transformational Love IQ assessment tool, a beacon for singles and couples alike in the quest for personal growth and empathetic, compatible partners.
Learn why the triple alliance of empathy, compatibility, and independence is non-negotiable for a lasting companionship, and why authentic self-representation is crucial in the dating domain. By embracing your true self and refraining from the pursuit of constant approval, you pave the way for relationships built on a foundation of trust and genuine intimacy.
Join us and embark on a journey to elevate your Love IQ and discover the secrets to a fulfilling and enduring partnership.
Website: www.LoveWithIntelligence.com
Struggling to break toxic patterns?
Discover what’s holding you back in love with the Love IQ Assessment—your first step to creating secure, lasting relationships.
👉 Take the Assessment Here
Serious about finding the right partner?
Book a complimentary Love Life Analysis Call to create a personalised roadmap for attracting emotionally available partners and reprogramming your love life. Spaces are limited!
👉 Book Your Call Now
Hello and welcome. So today we're going to be talking about the three essential secrets for singles seeking healthy, loving and long lasting relationships. Now, the reason why I want to go into this topic so deeply is that there is so much rubbish out there when it comes to you know relationships and dating, when comes to what healthy relationship is and how to create one, because there's things like how to say these 10 things to make them fall in love with you, and there's don't sleep with them on the first date, and you know all these different things. Don't text them back straight away. And the other thing that usually just drives me insane whenever I see an article because people often get it so wrong is how communication is the cornerstone of every relationship, and the truth is it's not, and I will go into the reasons why. But I really want to share with you these three essential secrets because it will change the way that you look at dating and it will change what you prioritize when you meet a new partner and especially when you're thinking about creating something that's long lasting and healthy. So let me circle back for just a moment, because one of the things I mentioned was communication.
Speaker 1:Now, this is not in my top three essentials. You know, when it comes to creating a long, lasting relationship and you're probably going like Lily why, why not? Well, the thing is communication. It's not about the words. It's not about how well you can articulate yourself. It's not how well you can describe a situation or describe your partner, what they're going through and all those different things. Have you ever heard of the term hollow words? Okay, if your words have no meaning to them, how can improving your communication skills improve your relationship? Because this comes back to saying what you want to hear. And is that really getting to know someone? Is that really accepting someone for who they are? Is that really creating that depth and that intimacy and that trust that you really want and that trust that you really want, or is that actually creating a filter between what they're really thinking and how they're expressing that to you? Okay, so let me go a little bit of a layer, a little more deeply sorry, a little bit more deeply into that layer.
Speaker 1:So one of the three essential secrets that I'm going to be sharing with you today is empathy, and I am going to dive into this so freaking deeply because I truly believe with 110% of my heart, that empathy is the key to a healthy relationship, and the reason why is empathy is how we connect with ourselves and how we connect to others. It's our ability to be able to feel our own feelings and also feel and understand the feelings of others. Now, if you think about it, when we understand the feelings of others, we're able to understand what their needs are, we understand what emotions they're feeling, we understand how to make their life better Okay and we also we're able to relate to what they're feeling. So, if someone feels happy, we know what happy feels like. If someone's feeling sad, we know what sad feels like, and we end up feeling connected, because seeing emotions in others allows us to feel more human and more connected, because it's all to do with vulnerability. I'm going to go in a little bit more deeper, though, on why empathy is so important.
Speaker 1:Now, you might have heard if you've been listening to my podcast or reading my blogs or anything like that, or even watching the YouTube videos, you will know that I talk a lot about conditional and unconditional love. Now let's talk about the differences Conditional love is I will love you as long as you are doing the things that I want you to do, because otherwise, if you're not doing the things that I want you to do, I'm not going to love you, whereas unconditional love it's more about being able to be who you are, being able to express all the quirky, weird parts of your personality that you'd normally keep under wraps, and you're able to be you without someone wanting to change you. I mean, have you ever loved someone so much that you would never change a single thing about their personality? You'd never change a characteristic. You'd never change anything at all about who they are as a person. If you haven't, well, don't worry. Carry on listening.
Speaker 1:If you have, then you will understand that, because you love every aspect of that person, you don't fear what their behavior is when you are not there, because you understand them, you accept them, you love them. The moment that you step into a conditional love relationship, you fear how they act when you're not there. You fear about the relationship's health if you're unable to steer that relationship, control that relationship or salvage that relationship, because there's things about that person and their personality that's not aligned with you. Okay, and this is where you often get toxic relationships trauma, bonds, coercion, manipulation because that's what a conditional love relationship is all about. It's you act like this and I will give you love. If you don't act like this, I will dislike you and I will show my disgust, because I hope, if I show my disgust, that that will mean you will change your behavior. Whereas unconditional love goes hey, you be you, I'll be me, and there's still love there. I'm not going to hold back love if you've made a mistake, if you've done something wrong without the intention of it being something that's negative to the relationship. Often mistakes happen, often. We're all human, we're going to make mistakes in some sort of way. But as long as the intention isn't there to harm or to change the other person, that's really, really important. That's the difference between conditional and unconditional love.
Speaker 1:You know we've all heard of people giving the silent treatment. Well, that's a cause, sorry, it's a symptom of conditional love. It's going. I'm not talking to you because I want to show you how angry I am and how I'm going to weaponize the relationship so you can reassess your behavior, okay. So the other thing is with empathy. Empathy also means accountability, because if you're able to understand how your actions can impact other people and let's say you make a mistake you're more likely to be accountable and hold your hand up and say, hey, I'm so sorry that I've done something wrong here. I never wanted you to feel like that and I am truly sorry. How can we make this better? And there's more that desire to make things better because that empathy is there.
Speaker 1:When there's no empathy, they often people with no empathy or low levels of emotional intelligence will often use any dismay or any negative emotions towards them or the relationship. They will use that as a threat and then they will go on the attack and say, right, I need to attack you because you're attacking me and that's my way of feeling safe. Well, the thing is, when there's that no empathy there, it you can struggle to get back onto the same page because it becomes a battle of who's going to win versus how are you both a team and working together to create the right relationship for both of you? So you can see the importance of empathy, okay. And the other thing is when it comes to communication because you know we talked a little bit about how communication actually isn't the key to a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1:If you've got hollow words that don't mean anything, you know you can improve your speech. You can improve all the different things that you're saying, the way that you're articulating yourself, but it could mean absolutely nothing. I mean, have you ever had someone turn around to you and say sorry to you? But you know that they don't mean it. Does it matter how many times that they could say sorry to you or the different ways that they can say sorry to you, if there's no meaning behind it? No, so is communication really the important aspect? No, it's all about empathy, is all about the feeling and it's all about the intention that goes behind it. So let's talk a little bit more about how to recognize that level of empathy, because empathy has a few different characteristics. You know, it has these amazing things that adds to a relationship.
Speaker 1:And the first thing is, with empathy, it's really hard to have a surface level chat with someone with high levels of empathy. If you've got two people together who've got a good level of empathy, you will find that they will go into the most deepest conversation ever. They'll be talking about the beliefs and values. They'll be wanting to understand each other. They'd be wanting to understand who that real you actually is, and this creates the intimacy, this creates the depth of the relationship. The other thing with empathy is they prioritize your comfort. You know you want to make sure that someone feels good around you, because it feels bad if you've got someone who doesn't feel good. So there's definitely a healthy and unhealthy balance when it comes to this, but people with empathy love to make other people feel good. Okay, the unhealthy part is when they start to rescue but I'll go into that in another podcast or video or blog or something like that, because that's really important to get right. Otherwise, you'll always be in relationships with people that you need to rescue and that's no good.
Speaker 1:But being around people who really prioritize how you feel and they want you to enjoy that communication or enjoy your experience or enjoy the relationship, they will prioritize your comfort and it will also allow you to build up that trust, because you will realize that person's intentions is just to enjoy that connection with you. You know it's the difference between something that's transactional I will be nice to you, so you'll be nice to me. That's not what empathy is all about. It's I'm a nice person and I want to show that I care about the relationship that we're building together. Whether that's friendship, whether that's relationship, it doesn't matter but I'm showing that I respect and I care about this relationship.
Speaker 1:The other thing is with people with high levels of empathy. They're very upfront about their intentions. So if you're building a relationship with someone with high levels of empathy, they're very much like right, this is what I want. This is what I want to explore with you Whether that's a long, lasting relationship, whether that's where you want to live in future, whether that's what they desire in a relationship. They will be really upfront, they will be happy to share what they are wanting. There's no room for uncertainty. There's literally only commitment to openness and honesty, and that's really important to notice. And the thing is, when you are experiencing someone who's being open and honest with you, you feel safe, and that's the beautiful thing about building a relationship with someone with high levels of empathy. The other thing is you will notice that they are kind in what they do. You know they will approach all people in a way of kindness and respect and it won't be them telling you oh, I'm a kind person, because that's usually a red flag if someone has to tell you how brilliant they are, but they will do things automatically, without thinking, because that's a natural part of their behavior. It's a natural part of who they are. So it's seeing that.
Speaker 1:And the other thing with someone with high levels of empathy and emotional intelligence is that they're fully at ease with themselves. They feel fully at ease with their emotions, with their needs, with their goals, with their desires, with their needs, with their goals, with their desires. And the lovely thing is, when they look at a relationship, it's more about how can I enjoy a relationship with someone where I can share memories, I can create memories, I can create life and I can build, versus someone with a low emotional intelligence, where they go right. I want someone who can be a bank, a counselor, a cook, a cleaner. I want you to be useful to me and make me look good or whatever it might be. It's not about that and you know, people with high levels of empathy and high levels of emotional intelligence just want to enjoy that connection. They just want to enjoy that connection. They just want to enjoy experiencing and creating new memories.
Speaker 1:Okay, and build that loving relationship right. Are we ready for number two? Because I've already gone through number one, and that's empathy, big, big deal. Okay, you cannot have a healthy relationship without empathy. That's my, if there's one thing that I believe in from looking into relationships over the last six years and working with you, know over 500 people and talking to over 3000 people about relationships. That is number one, okay, two is compatibility. Now the thing is, I've seen so many people get this wrong too, and it's not their fault, it's just I laugh, because the industry is just so unregulated that there's so much rubbish out there. I mean, I'd hate to name, you know out, some coaches because that's not what I do, but there are some terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible advice out there and I have, you know, some people who are new to working with me share some advice they've heard from certain coaches and certain influencers and I cringe very badly. So let's talk about compatibility and what is actually important now.
Speaker 1:The first thing is thinking about your values. Okay, what do you value in a person? Because this is super, super important and there's a few reasons why this is important and why, to be clear on this, I mean, one thing I did with my LoveIQ membership group is I actually got them to write out in order a few different values, and I think there was things like loyalty and humor and attractiveness and financial stability, and you know loads of different things. Okay, and I got them to write them all out in their order of what feels good to them. Okay, and it was really really interesting, because what I got them then to do was I said right now, think about your parents and write out what was actually important to them so they could notice the difference between what their parents valued and also what they valued, because often people who end up meeting the wrong person are often looking at what their parents would be happy with versus what they would be happy with, and I'll go into the reason why on the third element. That's really important.
Speaker 1:So start to understand what's really important to you when it comes to meeting the right kind of person. Think about the beliefs you have that you would actually like to share with a partner. Have a look at the lifestyle that you have and the lifestyle that you're wanting to create. Are you wanting to get married? Are you wanting to have children? Where do you want to go career-wise? You know it's. Having a look at all these different elements, even down to you, know how you view what a relationship should be, because everyone's view of what a relationship should be is actually different, and that's okay, but it's understanding if you're both on the same page. So one thing I would suggest, if you are still trying to understand compatibility and who you are actually compatible with, check out the Meet With the One guide that we have on our website, and also I will put it in the description of this podcast as well, if you want to go ahead and download that, because this will really help you to look at the certain areas that are really important when it comes to meeting the right person for you.
Speaker 1:Now, the reason why compatibility is so important is because it's the difference between a short term fling and a long lasting relationship. This is having a look at what do you need in the long term to be happy, because most people just focus on the short term and they focus on oh I've had this good date and I'm going to go on this next good date, and they forget about the bigger picture of what a relationship is. It's being able to build something for the long term with someone that you also share the values and beliefs and also the lifestyle and the goals that you both share together, that you both want to work towards together. Okay, really, really important. So do check out the Meet the One Guide if you haven't already. Last, lastly this is the last element that I think is actually really, really important, and it's independence. And you're probably thinking, lily, what on earth are you talking about? You're talking about relationships. Why are you talking about independence? I will go into this in more detail in just a moment, but I want you to think about this before I do.
Speaker 1:How many times have you decided to make someone else happy or go with a decision that makes someone else happy and it actually doesn't align with you or benefit you in any way? Would you classify yourself as a bit of a people pleaser? And also, when you make big decisions, do you often go back to your parents? Or do you go back to certain friends and do you ask them do you think this is a good idea? Or that you take a you know new partner and you get them to meet and you say, oh, do you think I should build a long-lasting relationship with him? What do you think of him or her?
Speaker 1:You might find yourself looking to other people to seek permission for decisions for your own life. Does that mean you've got independence? If you're doing that, and also if you didn't realize you were doing that and you were asking permission for your own life, where did this behavior come from. And I will tell you and this is something that's a little bit scary, because most people who resonate with this often go and enter into unhealthy relationship dynamics, myself included in the past, before I really understood this, this is one of the reasons that I kept falling into the wrong types of relationships, and it was this I hadn't for that period of time of my life, I hadn't owned my independence. I didn't realize from all the old conditioning, from childhood and all these different things, I always looked to other people to know if I was doing a good job or if I was acting as a good person or I was doing the right thing that pleased others.
Speaker 1:And this usually happens where you've had parents or family that have had either low level of you know, one parent, or both parents have a low level of emotional intelligence and they've maintained a bit of control over your life. Okay, so it might be. They might have turned around to you and said, oh, you're too sensitive. Or they might have turned around to you and said, well, why did you make that decision? That's a bit silly, isn't it? Or they might have said something on the lines of you know, any decisions that you make. They might just criticize in some sort of way, or why are you thinking like that? Or if you share something emotional, they might turn around to you and say, well, I don't care. If you're feeling that way, how do you think I feel? And they'll always turn it back to them.
Speaker 1:Now this has a huge impact on independence and how you view independence, because if you share your opinion or your decisions or your emotions, you might get criticized or put down or told you're wrong, and the impact of that usually means that you will seek people who are happy to share those opinions and give you permission, which means that you never fully have it in your own life, which also means that you're more susceptible to a toxic relationship, Ta-da. So this can be quite life-changing when you start to realise how this happens. So how do you gain independence back? Well, independence is all about trusting yourself and also building up that relationship with yourself, feeling comfortable and happy to prioritise yourself and feeling committed to do that as well, because if you think about relationships, it's all about commitment. But if you've got no commitment to yourself and being yourself and making your own decisions and feeling your own emotions and feeling comfortable with that, then guess what Relationships are going to feel really scary to you. They're going to feel dangerous. They're going to feel like life or death situations if you get someone disapprove of your actions or reject you or abandon you. So how do you build this up? What I'd say is start small. Start making decisions for yourself.
Speaker 1:Notice when you want to ask other people about their opinion or ask people what they think, because this is usually a little bit of a survival instinct from childhood quite often childhood which is communicating to yourself that you're going. I don't trust myself enough to make this decision. Can you make it for me? And the other thing that happens and this is one of the reasons why it's super, super important to have this in check before you go out and date is that people don't get to know who you are, because what tends to happen is you become a chameleon. You say, well, I like what you like, and if you don't like what they like, you won't share that. You don't like what they like.
Speaker 1:So you tend to hold everything back, and I'll use like politics for us as an example, because often people you know, I often say people that enjoy politics and things like that often have very strong feelings and strong opinions and people can be quite afraid of that or shy of that. So if someone says, oh, I like this political party and you don't like that political party, if you're someone who doesn't really have independence, you might not share that you don't support the party that they support, because you don't want that relationship between you both to be damaged, or you don't want them looking down on you and or you're afraid that they're going to change your mind and all of a sudden you're going to have to say that you support their party. Now, I'm only using this as an example. This can be for a variety of different things.
Speaker 1:But if you think about when it comes to dating, how easy is it to get to know you? If you're too afraid to share your opinions, share your beliefs, share your values, it can be really difficult. And if you think about when we're talking about empathy in the very beginning, we're talking about someone with high levels of who's comfortable with themselves, who's happy to be open and honest. Well, if you're unable to do that, how do they get to know you? How do they get to create that depth of a relationship with you? Because this comes back to you feeling comfortable with your decisions, what you believe and you know all those elements and feeling okay with that. Feeling okay if someone doesn't agree. Feeling okay if someone you know wants to damage the relationship because you don't think the same way and that also comes back to that conditional and unconditional love.
Speaker 1:If someone wants to change what you feel or what you believe in, there's someone who doesn't really respect you as a person and doesn't really respect your opinion. There's a difference between ah, I'm curious, what made you support that party or what made you feel that way. I'm curious, I want to understand, I want to create depth, I want to create a little bit of intimacy because I want to understand you more versus well, I think that's stupid. You believe that or you support that party or you do this, because connection will always create a level of curiosity, whereas a lack of connection will always build up a level of criticism and judgment, and that's what damages intimacy, and often that's exhibited by people with low levels of emotional intelligence and low levels of empathy. So I'm going to go back and summarize a little bit, because these are the three secrets that I believe that you need to be able to have a healthy, long lasting relationship. Have a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Speaker 1:Now, the first one is empathy that both partners have. Empathy, because this creates depth, this creates intimacy, this creates that feeling of feeling safe, being able to trust someone because they're able to recognize what you feel. They're able to recognize how to allow you to feel safe. They were able to recognize what you need to feel love. And they're more affectionate. They're not using the relationship as a weapon. Okay, then we've got compatibility Compatibility, so you're able to build a long lasting relationship versus a short term fling.
Speaker 1:Now, compatibility you can go and check out the Meet the One Guide the link for that is going to be in the description or you can go ahead and find it on the website of lovewithintelligencecom and it's having a look at the perfect areas of your life and having a look at what needs to be aligned when it comes to meeting the right partner that you can experience a long, lasting and healthy relationship with. And the last one independence Feeling comfortable with yourself, feeling comfortable with your emotions, feeling comfortable with your decisions and being able to live life on your terms and feel committed to that, because if you're not committed to yourself, then you're going to struggle to commit to a relationship. So I hope that this has been useful for you. And if you're wondering, oh, is there other areas that I can look at when it comes to meeting the right partner, yes, there is, and if you do want to take be proactive and take action, fantastic, go and check out the love IQ assessment. Now, the love IQ assessment is something that I've been working on for the last few months We'll say that more like years coming up with all my research that I've been studying over the last few years, but I've been actively putting it together over the last few months and it's been fascinating seeing the results that people have been getting when they're able to have a look at 11 key areas of their life, because meeting the right partner isn't all about creating the perfect dating profile and being able to say the right things.
Speaker 1:It's actually your ability to understand yourself first and build that connection, build that understanding, build that independence for yourself and then being able to say hey, I want to meet someone who's actually also done the work, who has a high level of empathy, who's actually capable of creating that relationship that's healthy, that's loving and long-lasting, because the truth is not everyone is capable of enjoying and being in a long-lasting relationship, and this can be because of old dating patterns, this can be because of childhood, this can be because of low levels of empathy, but the love IQ is something that's going to help you to identify those areas with ease and then give you the steps that you can take to be able to improve those so you can meet the right partner.
Speaker 1:And it's not just about meeting the right partner, but it's about experiencing what real, unconditional love is all about. So if you've enjoyed this, then I'd love to know. Feel free to drop me an email, feel free to like this video, if you can, or like this audio, this podcast, and also, if you've got people that you really care about and you think that they can really benefit from this, feel free to share this with them too, because I do believe that everyone does deserve love, but not everyone knows how to get it. So I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for listening and bye for now.
