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The Love With Intelligence Podcast
The Love With Intelligence Podcast is the ultimate destination for high-achieving women who are ready to break free from toxic cycles, master emotional intelligence, and create secure, lasting relationships.
Hosted by Lily Walford, relationship coach and creator of the Love IQ Method, this podcast delivers bold insights, actionable tools, and transformative strategies to help listeners navigate modern love with confidence and clarity.
Through unapologetically honest conversations, myth-busting advice, and practical steps, each episode empowers women to reprogram their patterns and design the love life they deserve—because love isn’t about luck; it’s about the choices you make. Smarter love starts here.
www.lovewithintelligence.com
The Love With Intelligence Podcast
Who Is Your Dream Partner? Five Key Traits to Seek in Your Ideal Partner
Embark with us on a heartfelt exploration into the intricacies of love and the quest for our dream partner. We'll venture beyond the allure of a good sense of humor and kindness, digging into the core values and lifelong aspirations that truly define a soulmate. In this episode, I unpack the five essential facets to look for in a partner, illustrating the journey with personal experiences and those of my clients. Encounter the transformative understanding that a healthy relationship should not be a source of anxiety but a comforting presence in your life, and how childhood influences weave into the tapestry of your adult romances.
As we sail the seas of emotional intelligence, you'll learn the critical importance of setting boundaries, loving unconditionally, and the perils of intertwining lives with those who lack empathy. I share stories that reveal the complex terrain of relationships marred by a lack of understanding, guiding you towards the creation of clear goals and deal breakers. By the end of our time together, you'll have the insight to recognize and break free from unhealthy relationship patterns, armed with the knowledge to cultivate the profound, life-affirming connections we all crave and deserve. Join me and let's steer towards a future filled with love that is as nurturing as it is enriching.
Website: www.LoveWithIntelligence.com
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Hello. So I hope you are ready for a life changing episode today. So if you are, go and grab a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, whatever you drink, glass of wine, I don't mind. What I'm about to go through today is going to be transformational to your love life. We're going to be talking about your dream partner, okay, and the reason why I want to go into this is because most people give the most flakiest answer to who their dream partner is, and it's like well, if you don't know what you're looking for, how are you going to find it? Or how are you going to know that you found it? So the most often answers I kind of get is oh, someone kind, someone funny, good sense of humor, loyal, and it's all very surface kind of level things. It's like okay, but who are they? Who are they as a person? Who are they in a relationship? What do they want out of a relationship? And it's like, well, if you don't know these things, then what are you hoping for? What are you hoping to find? And this brings me on to my next point, because if you don't know what you're, you know, wanting to find, is it because you're afraid you won't find it. And then are you left with going out and dating and being infatuated with the first person who pays you a little bit of attention or is just nice to you. And this is where we get people ending up in narcissistic or toxic or unhealthy relationships because they're just excited to have someone pay them a compliment or love bond them, okay. So I really want to dive into you know your ideal partner, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, because who we choose to be with has such a huge influence on the type of life that you live, your overall day-to-day happiness. You know, even down to the way that you believe in yourself, the types of goals that you set, the type of, you know, lifestyle that you create in the future. It's just everything it influences so much. But the crazy thing is, is no one really prioritizes it? You know, like I said, most people who I ask okay, what type of partner are you looking for? It's yeah, well, I hope they're nice. Like, seriously, look at the standards people are setting for themselves. I hope they're nice. Well, you know, that would be a minimum standard, you know.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to be talking about five different things that I would like you to really think about when it comes to meeting the right person. Okay, I really want you to think about these things and, as we dive into this, I also want you to understand that it's okay for your mind to change. It's okay for you to not be sure at the moment on what the answer is to each of these five things. These are going to be very deep things I'm going to get you to think about and, to be honest, I would say 95% of people don't even think of these things Yet.
Speaker 1:We wonder why, you know, so many people's relationships and marriages end up in breakups and divorce. So that's my little rant. But the other thing is and this is going to be my little caveat as well is, one of the reasons why most people end up in the in the wrong relationships is, yes, ok, they don't know who you know, who is right for them, who is their dream partner, but they also don't know what a healthy relationship is and also what's prevented them from getting a healthy relationship in the past. Now, a healthy relationship, in my definition okay and this is like the most simplest definition I could possibly create, okay is it's a relationship that soothes your nervous system, and an unhealthy relationship triggers them and I can tell you from both sides I've been in a relationship where I didn't realize how triggered and constantly on edge I was until I came out of it. Equally, I didn't realize what it was like being in a relationship where it just soothes my nervous system. I know that there's constantly love in that relationship. I know the relationship isn't weaponized, because I think that's one of the major things that you see in unhealthy relationships it's them weaponizing the relationship in a way of you know, conditional love. I will only love you if you do X, y, z, or be be a certain way, or don't ask these questions, or whatever it might be. But I digress.
Speaker 1:But going back to relationship and dating patterns, most people don't realize that this is to do with the conditioning of your identity as a child. Do with the conditioning of your identity as a child. Okay, if you have been told to prioritize everyone else beyond yourself or you're not allowed to be independent, your decision making is wrong, your emotions are wrong, you're too sensitive. If there's been some sort of conditioning on those levels and everyone's you know conditioning on those levels and everyone's childhood is different and everyone's childhood is often absolutely fantastic, but we're talking about the subconscious programming that happens on an identity level and this influences the types of relationships that you can end up in. So I'm going to leave that there, because I could talk about that for ages, but we want to talk about who your dream partner is.
Speaker 1:So, first things first, I want to talk about your lifestyle, okay, and you're probably thinking like well, lily, what's this got to do with meeting the right partner? It's got everything to do with meeting the right partner. It's got everything to do with meeting the right partner for you. First off and this is something I usually ask people, you know, clients I work with is how happy and content are you with your life? You know, forget what's written down on paper that you've got a good job and you've got great friends and all those different things. I want you to be honest with yourself and mark your life out of 10 when it comes to your happiness and feeling fulfilled and feeling content. Okay, so the reason this is is because most people rely on a relationship to make them happy, and the truth is, if you're not a happy single, you're not going to be happy in a relationship to make them happy. And the truth is, if you're not a happy single, you're not going to be happy in a relationship.
Speaker 1:So, to start off, with what do you want your life to look like? Okay, and if you, even if you are living your best life right now, think about what that is. Why is your lifestyle so great, or the lifestyle that you want to create, is so great? Why is that so heavily linked to who you are as a person? Okay, so, if it's being health conscious, if it's traveling, if it's being ambitious, if it's being fascinated and active in sports, if it's having a dog or cat or being very close to family and going to family events, or being so close in certain networks that you're always around friends, I want you to think about the lifestyle that you would find so fulfilling and so perfect for you. Because, guess what, to live a happy and absolutely fantastic life and to have a beautiful relationship that works for you and that aligns to you needs to align to that dream life. Because, guess what, if it doesn't, you're always going to feel conflicted, you're always going to feel like you can't live your best life. And this is really, really, really important Because, let's say, for example, you're a health fanatic and then you've got a partner who wants to sit on the couch all the time.
Speaker 1:Well, there's a big, big difference there. You know you're going to want to go out and enjoy you know doing different things all the time and being active. And then you've got a partner who wants to stay indoors all the time. You know you're going to want to go out and enjoy. You know doing different things all the time and being active. And then you've got a partner who wants to stay indoors all the time. You know you're going to feel like I can only go out on my own or spend time with my partner doing something I don't want to do.
Speaker 1:So it's more about look at the lifestyle that you want to create. It's not to say those relationships can't work, but it's coming back to if you feel like you have to lose out on your life happiness in order to have a relationship, well, that's not the right relationship for you. So think about your lifestyle. Okay, think about what you prioritize, and that's the main thing. What do you prioritize? Because you want your priorities to be aligned or complement each other at the very very least. Okay, because it just creates a better, more fulfilling, more exciting, more enriching relationship. Okay.
Speaker 1:For example I'm going to do one more example before I move off from this is let's say that you're really family orientated and you often spend. You know you've got a big family parents, lots of siblings, lots of nieces and nephews. You know good relationship with your grandparents and you always spend time with them. How would it feel if your partner just prioritized work all the time and they worked 24-7, so they missed out on family events? Or when they were at a family event, they just weren't present and they were constantly on their phone having phone calls, sending emails, sending texts? Would that feel right to you? Would that feel aligned with you?
Speaker 1:So this is why it's really important to actually have a look at your life and say, right, am I happy with the lifestyle that I've created for myself? Is there anything that I would want to change to improve it, where I feel happier, and also, what type of partner would complement my lifestyle? What would I need, then, to prioritize in order for this relationship to feel like I can live my life and also enjoy a fantastic relationship too? Okay, so take your time, write out the things that you really prioritize, that you really enjoy within your life. Okay, you know, think about your perfect day, your perfect weekend, your perfect holiday, your perfect family time, you know. Think about the things that are going to be really enriching, okay. Number two your values. Okay, this is important because it's about recognizing the things that you prioritize in people.
Speaker 1:So I love to do a little bit of an exercise with my clients where I literally list a load of different values and I would get them to organize them so you can think about different values, such as, you know, being polite, being loyal, being trustworthy sometimes I'll put a few things in there, like attractiveness and things like that and I want you to actually think about what is it that you're really prioritizing in a relationship? And I actually did this really cool exercise in one of the monthly group calls that you do for the Love IQ membership, and I did this for all the members in this and it was just so powerful because it helped people realize that they weren't dating from their own set of priorities, their own set of values. They were actually dating from their parents' values and then wondering why they weren't ending up in the right relationship. So I got them to actually go through and organise the values in what they would consider a priority and what was right for them. And I got them to do the same for their parents and what their parents would prioritise and feel that what was right for them, and they could see the big difference. Like some people who've got emotion not very emotionally intelligent parents, you know they would be more prioritizing.
Speaker 1:You know how much your partner earns and what job they do and how attractive they are versus are they a nice person? Can you trust them? Are they honest? Do they have really good morals? And it helps people to understand the different unconscious pressures that they've had in the type of partner that they are picking. So if you're picking people based on more superficial values, then guess what? You're probably not going to get a relationship with much depth to it. So it's really assessing the type of relationship that you want and it's really assessing the type of relationship that you want. And it's not to say you can't have someone attractive. No, not at all. It's more about making sure that you're looking at the most important qualities that you know supply depth to your relationship.
Speaker 1:So the trust, the honesty, the respect, the empathy you know those things need to come first and then think about. You know those things need to come first and then think about you know how attracted you are to the partner and things like that. I think all of those are important, but what most people do is they go ah, they're attractive, they've got good money, you know they've got a good job awesome, that'll do and they forget all about the important things. So, or they forget about them completely. You know sometimes you know narcissistic relationships, the love bombing and god knows what you have someone that has literally no qualities, no values, no nothing that you want in a, in a long-term partner. Um, so it's really important to be aware and this is why I don't recommend that people just fall into relationships without thinking about it. It's really important to consider those things, whether it's lifestyle or your values and what you really value in a relationship. So there's those two. We've got three more to go which I'm going to be sharing with you, and the next one is emotional intelligence. I love this one because it's so important to meet a partner who's got very similar levels of emotional intelligence to you.
Speaker 1:I truly believe most arguments and most conflicts that happen in relationships are due to either one or two partners having low levels of empathy or emotional intelligence. I really do believe that and if you think about that, that means that people of low empathy or low emotional intelligence are more likely to blame, they're more likely to criticize, they're unable to see your point of view, they're not really thinking about your emotions when they're communicating with you. You know there's no real respect or regard. So it's really important to think about emotional intelligence when it comes to a relationship. Now, I think there's so many different ways that people can exercise and demonstrate that they are thinking about your needs, your feelings, your emotions. You know, and you as a person. So think about it like this if someone is criticizing, criticizing you or criticizing your viewpoint, without um, no, do not forget without just that you know if they're criticizing you or criticizing your viewpoint, that's a big no. No, there's, there's no respect there whatsoever. If someone goes, do you know what? I don't agree with your point, but I'd like to understand more, or I respect why you think that way. That is healthy and that's being respectful. Okay, there's a big difference and you can see that there's no conflict when someone responds in such a way, it's not putting you down, it's not damaging the relationship and it's being open, truthful and honest.
Speaker 1:Now this is the important thing is people with very high emotional intelligence. Okay, often you know, they go through a phase of rescuing people and trying to change other people's minds and trying to make them into better people Worst thing they can do. When they start to really improve their emotional intelligence, they realize they don't have to do, that, they're not responsible for other people. Okay, and that can be one of the hardest lessons that someone with a good high level of empathy can learn, because all they've learned in past relationships is to rescue, make things better, rescue with the relationship, make their partner feel better, and they're constantly living for the sake of someone else, okay, and they often forget themselves, lose themselves in the process and all those different things. But this comes back to that emotional intelligence realizing what you are responsible for, what you're not responsible for, and being able to be you without changing who you are.
Speaker 1:Because this is really the difference between conditional and unconditional love. You know I talk about this often. Unconditional love is I love you as a person exactly the way you are. Conditional love is well, I only love you if you literally act within the accordance of my rules and you become who I want you to be and you can become my ideal partner based on what I believe an ideal partner is, which is not healthy. Okay, you know it's like when people weaponize the relationship in order to mold or change someone a certain way. I mean, I've, I've experienced it, I've had past, you know clients, you know experience, you know these horrible things and they often try to change the belief system, the value or the priorities of that person in order for them to show love or appreciation. So they weaponize the relationship, whereas unconditional love is. Look, I don't agree with what you're saying or what you're sharing, but I still love you and I'm still going to show you affection and I'm still going to be respectful to you as a person. So this is something I really believe.
Speaker 1:You know, emotional intelligence is literally the cornerstone to a healthy relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who has no or very little empathy. Healthy relationship with someone who has no or very little empathy, like I would just like to drill that home again and again and again and again, because I really do believe that if more people understood that, they wouldn't enter these horrible, rubbish relationships, um, and end up in heartbreak and having to heal for a lot more things because dealing with people with low levels of empathy or low levels of emotional intelligence can actually cause complex PTSD and the main message that these types of relationships create is I can't trust anyone, or I can't trust people or I. You know, being in a relationship is unsafe and it creates that dynamic which can be. You know, it can take a very long time for people to be able to heal, especially if they don't realize they've got it or they go to the wrong people that don't know what they're doing off. Basically, I mean, I had one client, bless her, she had worked with one of the best trauma specialists in America. You know, they even worked at a university or did university studies or anything like that, and she'd been working with them for I think it was two or three years on a weekly basis, three years on a weekly basis. And you know, bless us, they hadn't even tackled the main parts of complex PTSD or PTSD. You know. Yet they said they had all these accolades and all these different things. And you know, we had a couple of sessions and she actually shared that she felt that she'd made more progress in those few sessions that we had than what she had done in a year with that previous coach, but, like I said, I digress. So, going back to your emotional intelligence, you need that in a relationship. You've got that. Make sure you seek out a partner that has that too and that also you know that also respects that and appreciates that in a relationship and appreciates that in a partner.
Speaker 1:Now, number four this is a biggie, okay, and I've seen, I've seen people fall at this part is what's your goals for a relationship? Like I said, most people don't know what a healthy relationship is, but I want you to think about what's your goals when it comes to you know your ideal perfect relationship. Do you want to get married? Do you want kids? Where do you want to live? What type of lifestyle do you want to create? Like, what's the ultimate goal for you to go? Ah, do you know what I'm in a healthy relationship, this is the best relationship ever. You, I want you to think about what that actually is, because this is your criteria. This is your criteria for someone to apply to this lifetime role of being able to spend their life with you. So I want you to really think about that. What does that look like? The funny thing is, um, I'm gonna come back to come back to this.
Speaker 1:Most people don't have that conversation in the beginning either of do you want to get married, do you want children, and it can often cause people to stay or enter into the wrong relationships that don't have the right alignment in the first place. If someone says they don't want to get married and that's one of your absolute, you know things that you want in a relationship then don't go for someone who doesn't want to get married. Don't think that what you are sharing or what you're wanting and you know your you know what you're able to bring to a relationship can change someone. Don't rely on that. You know. The truth is, if someone says, this is what I want and this is black and white respect that because you'd also want that same respect coming back to you, okay, super important, super, super important.
Speaker 1:So think about your goals for a relationship, what feels right, and within that, I want you to think about your absolute deal breakers as well. What are your absolute no-no's when it comes to a relationship? You know, is it you know them being an alcoholic? Is it them having any addictions? Is it them not having a job? What are your absolute no-no's in a relationship? What would you have to see to go. Nope, that is an absolute deal breaker, okay, and, fyi, no, empathy is a deal breaker, okay. So put that one in, like that is like non-negotiable, okay. And then number five okay, um, and then number five and this is like, oh, one of the most important ones. Okay, I mean literally if you don't do anything else. I do recommend doing the empathy thing, though, making sure they've got empathy, but if you don't do anything else, um, I want you to focus on how do you feel in that relationship, because coming back to the right relationship soothes your nervous system and the wrong relationship activates it. I want you to think about how do you want to feel.
Speaker 1:I think when I, after coming out of a narcissistic, psychopathic relationship and entering a loving, healthy relationship, one of the things I couldn't believe was how safe, how loved, how appreciated you know I was. There's been no point in our relationship so far where I've not felt considered, where I've not felt that I don't trust them or I don't trust their intentions. I one thing I love is having certainty having certainty in that they're a good person, in that they're a good person, that they're kind, they're caring, and it would not be in line with who they are as a person to do something that's damaging, hurtful or bad, and I think this is the big difference. So, if I think about when I was in the narcissistic, psychopathic relationship relationship, I didn't feel comfortable. I'd say 90% of the time. I was half expecting something bad to happen, get a bad message, or for them to suddenly start an argument. I was expecting you know, if they went out, or if they went out on their own or they had a few days away, something wouldn't feel right and I would feel nervous and anxious and all these different things I want to say.
Speaker 1:It's so important to trust your body, to trust your emotions, to trust what you are feeling, because it's communicating all those things for a reason. Your body, your mind, picks up on things on such a subconscious level. It's incredible and usually 99.9% of the time it's completely right. And I remember in past relationships where I just knew something wasn't right and knew something was wrong. Everything in my mind and body was saying run and stay all at the same time. But I knew there was something wrong, I knew there was something going to be bad happening and yet my mind was going well. Logically, I don't have the evidence for that, have the evidence for that, but my body, my mind, my emotions knew otherwise. So it's so important to trust your emotions, trust how you feel. If the relationship feels good, fantastic. If it doesn't, please listen to that and trust that, because it's there for a reason. Okay, so, to summarize, I told you it was gonna be a powerful episode. Um.
Speaker 1:Number one focus on your lifestyle. What do you want your lifestyle to look like? Are you happy with your lifestyle? And then, what partner would fit in with that lifestyle, to your values? What do you prioritize? What are the qualities in a person that you think is super, super important? Three emotional intelligence. Do they have good emotional intelligence? Because that has such a big impact on the type of relationship that you create. Four what are your goals for a relationship? Are you wanting to get married? Are you wanting to have children? Are you wanting to travel? Where are you wanting to live? All those different things. Five how do you want to feel in a relationship? What does that feel like? What does that look like? Okay, so focus on those things.
Speaker 1:Take that time to really identify what the perfect relationship looks like for you, because I tell you what when you find it, you will know, you will have confidence, you will feel safe, you will feel loved. You will feel safe, you will feel loved, you will feel respected, and that's exactly exactly what I want for you. So if you are serious about making sure that you have the most amazing relationship possible, I highly suggest and this is absolutely free to go and discover your personal love IQ. In the description you will see a link you know. You don't even have to go far to find it. Go ahead and take it, because when you go through that, you can identify the areas that might be preventing you from enjoying the right type of relationship.
Speaker 1:If I I wish I'd have known this like five, ten years ago, but I had unhealthy relationship patterns that were buried into childhood and this is one of the reasons why I actually created the Love IQ. So people are able to discover what's really holding them back from the wrong type of relationship. You know, sort of holding them back from the right type of relationship, and it's keeping them in a holding pattern of bad relationships which just gradually get worse and worse and worse and worse with every partner that they end up getting into a relationship with. So if you're ready to break the pattern and you're ready for that amazing, life-changing relationship, then go ahead. Take that love IQ, because it will be the first step in creating awareness of what you need to be able to achieve that. So I'm going to leave it there, sending you all so much love and thank you so much for listening, and I sending you all so much love and thank you so much for listening, and I shall see you in the next episode. Bye for now.
